“Harumph! I’m ready to get mah day started!”

Things I need to do today:

1) Reminder: Call Joan Jett and tell her that I need to comp the vox on ‘Cherry Bomb’ for THE RUNAWAYS. It sounded weird to me at the studio.

2) Subway. Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar Footlong. The tuna there is phenomenal.

3) Call my agent at Gersh. Where the fuck is my check from NEW MOON? I got half up front and half after the press tour.

4) Mani/Pedi - black/black (I’ll settle for Vamp, duh hickey)

5) New Vampire Weekend album CONTRA is out today. Must swing by Sam Goody/FYE/Tower Recrods.

6) Run my Mini Cooper over my new Converse so they look worn in.

7) Remind Rob to wash under his scrotum. I don’t mind sucking his dick, but I do mind cheesedick/crotch rot.

8) Text Dakoty. I hope she’s settling in to Campbell Hall High School with ease.

9) GTL: Gym. Tan. Laundry.

10) Ugh, Taylor Lautner wanted me to go with him to Lady GaGa tonight. When is he gonna just come out already?

11) Buy a pumice scrub.

suicideblonde:

Kristin Stewart

Kristen, my little dumpling. How do you manage to look so effortlessly cute on a DAILY basis? Huh? Look, I know you are awkward and a pretty terrible public speaker, but dress you can, my lovely.

Normally, I would never say this about you, but you have some pretty sexy side-boob action going on there and you’re only a B cup at best…which is fine, because like I said, I’m not a boobs man.  I’m a tush/legs man for daze.

God, it’s like you knew me when I was a 7th grader, wearing those exact VANS shoes and listening to MxPx.  I know you’re only 19, and that I’m nearly 25, but I guarantee you someday when this Twilight thing passes you will just be my wife and happy I will be.

I hope you have a nice warm jacket for the wrap-up at Sundance.

I love you.

Dear World:

Kristen fucks Rob.

Deal with it.

You will only get her when Twilight is thought of as we think of Lost Boys now (a joke).

They’re so cute together I’m not even jealous. Today while looking at pictures of her I realized where this obsession comes from: I’ve known her since I was 5. We didn’t ever talk on the phone, or have a play date…but she looks way too familiar to me not to have been from my past. I live in L.A. It’s highly plausible. Maybe we had an after school snack togeth by accident at Penguins? I used to play in AYSO with Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I saw Steve Urkel on a chairlift in Mammoth. I parked Jim Carrey’s car once. The point is: K Stew…and I …have a deeply emotional connection that can only be expressed through the work of Nick Cave and Joni Mithcell.

Xo

Matthew

My roommate has glasses just like those, Kristen. He looks just as cute. Does Rob pull out? Just wonderin’…

suicideblonde:

Kristen Stewart

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. These two put the ghey in oy vey at last night’s MTV Movie Awards. Rob and Kristen were like kids who are asked to sit at the adult table at a Seder. They don’t know what to say, how to act or how to compose themselves. “Why is this night different from all others?” the youngest child asks…

The adults answer, “This is Hollywood. This is the MTV Awards. Not the Oscars. You’re supposed to be here if only to promote your upcoming movie. Is that so tough? Just promote your shit and then you can go to the parties. Or home to your loved ones and nannies.” Mah nishtana, guys. See how Sandler/Rock/Spade/Duece Biggs got in and got out ASAP? I guarantee you Sand Man was like “listen, producers, I’ll come under the condition we do our promotions first and go home so I can change Sadie’s diaper.” Nobody is going to say NO to a man who opens movies to $50M weekends for the past ten years continuously.  Anyway, back to the most bizarre movie stars on the planet…

Let’s first talk Kristen: 

Babe, honey, Kristen, your fingernail color is hideous. GREEN?! Hello??? You’re in love with a vampire. Why didn’t your stylist do them black, or Chanel Vamp? GREEN?! Last I checked you are not in the Green Hornet, Green Goblin, or Greenberg. Fucking retard. Twi-hards are watching you under a microscope, if only because you are about to premiere new scenes from Eclipse.

Now that I think of it, your whole outfit was horrendous. Who dressed you? Stevie Wonder? Helen Keller? Michael Cera’s stylist? Your dress was something out of an eighth grade semi-formal in Deluth. On an episode of THE TWILIGHT ZONE. (Get it?!) You had more fake sparkles on your ass than Edward does on his chest in that awful ending of New Moon.

Now, a note on your character: 

Why are you so MOTHERFUCKING awkward? I get the nail-biting, the lip-biting, the stupid think you constantly do by running your fingers through your hair. It was even cute IN THE LAND OF WOMEN. Now, it’s rather annoying. Annoying as fuck. I am CONSTANTLY defending you to legions of women. You have problems walking in heels? Girl, all my assistant babe friends can RUN in heels. With binders, Starbucks and a headset on. You tripped on the way to the podium, while Rob escorted you. Last year, you dropped the MTV award. Is this REALLY so difficult for you? The whole walking and talking and holding something in your hand thing? Jesus Christ, bitch. Get your shit together. I’m sorry you feel “raped” but so did I after having sat through your latest debacle last night. I was traumatized and will be uncomfortable for months to come. You’re making it very hard for me to like you on a daily basis. 

Rob. Rob. Rob. You are the man in the relationship. Can you please tell your girl how to act like a lady in public? It’s pretty simple, really: “Kristen. Tonight there will be a lot of cameras and we’re taping this show live. Breathe deep. Later, I’ll put Haagen Dazs coffee-ice cream inside of you and eat it from your labia majora as it melts if you can just act like a human being for a few hours.” C’mon, dude. It’s that simple. Nobody can resist Haagen Dazs coffee ice-cream nor oral sex. Put them together and it’s irrefutable. I need to tell you this? You’re supposed to be this fuck-machine lothario type.

Finally, a word on the (near) kiss:

I sat on the fucking edge of my couch, waiting for you two to suck face, nearly dropping my ROOR on the floor when you two stumbled around each other in your line dance or whatever that was. It was akin to watching the most uncomfortable game of hokey-pokey in the history of civilization.  Seriously? You thought that was a good piece of schtick? That was the best you two multi-million dollar paid actors could come up with? Man, I hope you two don’t fuck in real life the way you kiss in the movies and at awards shows. 

Seriously, you guys are more awkward than the first time my girlfriend and I tried to 69. AND THAT, my friends, was/is about as weird and uncomfortable as anything I’d ever like to experience.