Fuck you, I’ll explain: The movie is whatever, but what’s impressive… is about the business of film.  Listen, Twilight is a tiny movie made for around twenty million dollars.  It was bought in turnaround from Paramount Pictures by Summit Entertainment (whose CEO Rob Friedman used to run Paramount) and then developed and produced by said company.  This is a BIG DEAL and I’ll tell you why.  Making movies isn’t a sure thing anymore.  A list actors don’t mean box office boffo anymore.  Sometimes even Nicole Kidman can’t open a flick.  The point is this: Summit Entertainment, which is a medium-sized and independent film production/distribution company can have a huge success based on nothing but a great property (i.e. The Twilight series by Stephenie Meyers) and some cute tween actors.  It proves that you don’t need to be one of the major 9/10 studios that can pay for pre, production, post, P&A (Prints and Advertising) and pay to distribute a successful film all over the world, and that you can be the small guy, take a chance, and still WIN BIG in Hollywood.  The economy is suffering, so this is a good thing for “independent cinema” which doesn’t really exist anymore.  Anyway, somebody at Paramount got a serious punch to the face for saying “vampires and teenagers don’t work” after the success of Twilight.  Sometimes when the stars align, Hollywood can still be a place where small dreams are made big.  It’s only entertainment, folks.  It’s a fuckin teen movie.  You know what: I’ll admit it.  I saw this in the theatres and didn’t mind it for one bit.  I can see why fourteen-year-old Mexican girls shit themselves over this.  My only regret is that I didn’t think of it.  Duh: Dawson’s Creek meets The Lost Boys. 

Ugh…can’t believe this Sioux Indian gets to have on-set flirtations with this pothead wife-to-be bitch of mine whilst I sit here awaiting the release of New Poon.

I read 420 pages exactly of New Moon yesterday from Norfolk VA, through Chicago, and on to Los Angeles, CA.

Here are my thoughts on the Twilight Saga, NEW MOON specifically:

1) Dude, how come Bella doesn’t have a motherfucking cell phone? She could stay in touch with stupid Edward via Skype, Facebook and BBM.  I know she lives in the sticks, aka Forks, but let’s be serious, it’s not another planet.

2) Jacob (the Injun) is way doper than Edward. First off, he doesn’t fucking twinkle. His skin glows just because it’s olive-Injun colored. Second of all, you could totes magotes watch TRUE BLOOD with Jacob and he wouldn’t be all offended that his people were being made fun of (however, you probably couldn’t watch EARNEST GOES TO CAMP or LAST OF THE MOHICANS…too soon, too soon).

3) Jacob rides Motorcylces. Edward drives a Volvo.  Jacob +2, Edward -faggot.

4) Why does Stephenie Meyers like Muse so much? They’re fucking God awful.  Maybe if she had some doper records the Twilight novels wouldn’t read like a dish rag (although a dish rag that bends the space-time continuum when you read it).

5) La Push sounds like the unreleased Salt N Pepa B Sides album.

6) Bella’s dad needs some pussy. Real bad. Homeboy gets more excited over the Red Sox than Terry Francona.

7) How come Bella doesn’t ever talk about drinking, or smoking pot? There’s nothing to do in Forks but fuck and do drugs, and the kids are so boring and average it’s all she can do but to hang out with the blood sucker and the Indian kid who would be, in any other book, fictitious or factual, made fun of for being all “let’s live off the land and wear lambskin condoms.”

8) How come Bella doesn’t ever talk about masturbating?  Ever.  If she is so motherfucking obsessed with Edward, she would be fucking herself silly with the shower head/faucet.

9) Does Jacob turn into a wolf when he fucks? I know he shape-shifts when he gets angry/excited. Would not want to see this kid when Netflix sent him the wrong DVDs…

10) You want me to believe for one second that Edward doesn’t watch Dancing With The Stars and American Idol? Even vampires fag out on occasion.

I will give you more on this topic whence I finish reading. For now, enjoy these.

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Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson in the Entertainment Weekly, Nov 20, 2009

OR:

The Cherokee Injun, Wifey, and The Dirty Brit

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Kristen Stewart at the New Moon premiere in LA last night

JEW MOON  - The Review by well, me.

Ladies and gentleman, goys and Jews alike, let’s get one thing straight before I divulge all this super-secret Twilight information: I went to see NEW MOON for two reasons: out of professional curiosity for phenomenology and second, because as you know, I want to get knuckles deep in K. Stew.

Before I get all introspective on the Edward/Bella/Jacob trifecta, let me air this shit out: I think all of you people who stood in line/slept on the street to see this are RETARDED.  I saw it at 1:30 PM on Saturday afternoon and it really was pretty easy to do so.  After the credits rolled I thought to myself, “really? For this?! I wouldn’t wait to see Michael Jackson rise from the grave a-la THRILLER to do his YEAH BITCH, I’M A ZOMBIE BUT THIS IS IT! tour.”

Anyway, on to the next.  For those of you that are not a 12 year old Latina girl, here’s where we left off when NEW MOON begins: Bella and Edward went to Prom; Edward killed James, Victoria’s lover, and well, all was right in Forks for the moment. The Cullens accepted Bella into their lives and family, and Bella’s Dad continued to watch Monday Night Football with the cripple.  Oh, and the Indian kid was there a few times, too, talking stoner-shit about wherewolves and ghosts and sparkley-faggots aka Cold Ones aka Vampires.

NEW MOON begins on Bella’s 18th birthday with her being in a huff about turning a year older while her boyfriend, a dead kid, gets to be 17 for all of eternity.  That would fucking suck.  I’m sorry. You can’t buy porn or cigarettes for all of your life? Shit, I’d kill myself via the Volturri, too.  Sheeeeiiiiit.  She’s like “Edward turn me into a vampy immortal so you’ll want to fuck me when I’m 200? Ok. Thx.”  He won’t do it because he knows what baggage that comes with, other than sparkles. She really wants to be like heem.

Ok, so Bella and Edward meet at school the day of her birth and everyone is giving her prezzies and she’s like “uggh, you guyz, I don’t want to grow up. I’m a Toys R Us kid!”

To make a long story short, they go to English Lit class, watch Romeo and Juliet (which we will discuss at length in a sec) and go back to Edward’s haus for a bday celebré with his family — a family made up of wierdo looking David Bowie tpyes circa Aladdin Sane. At said birthday Bella gets a paper cut opening a present and the Jackson Rathbone kid — Edward’s brother — lunges at her like a fucking bear hunting for trout in the winter. It’s the most epic scene of the film by far. Because of this, because Bella was endangered by him for the second time (the first being James the evil vampire almost killing her) he banishes himself to Italy so that Bella can be safe, protected and not get killed.  In essence: he sacrifices their love affair so that she can live without fear of being killed. Also they are not supposed to be together. Period. Like Jews and Goys. Blacks and Whites. Gays and Gays. (KIDDING). Sorta.

Edward LEAVES. He goes to Italy.  Bella almost loses her mind. She has nightmares about him. She sees him in weird molecular smoke when she’s about to do something hot (cliff dive, motorcycle, masturbate). She goes batshit crazy without her lover, Edward.

Writer Note: Lemme backpedal because I noticed something about NEW MOON — it’s a complete ripoff of Romeo and Juliet, and Steph Meyers is crazy enough to even put references to the book in HER BOOK.  Edward is Romeo, Bella is Juliet. Edward will kill himself if he can’t live with her — they come from two different families a la Montagues and Capulets (Swans/Cullens…aka Human/Vamps).  Edward plans to kill himself so that Bella comes to him. They reversed the roles of Romeo and Juliet.

HOWEVER, rather than be late and fuck herself royally, Bella is on time to save him from killing himself (thanks to a very fast Porsche driven by Ms. Ashley Greene).  Bella saves Edward from revealing himself as a vamp to the Volturri/Italy, pleads with them to spare him, and well…that’s where we get to the final scene, the climax, the denouement.  Edward admits that he never willingly left; he did it to spare her. He never stopped loving her. He never wanted it to be this way.  He did it so that they could live happily ever after. They KISS, magically.  ”FUCKING TURN ME THEN SO I DON’T DIE AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE” is basically Bella’s final monologue.

Edward says, as all of the world’s girls hold their breath, “under one condition: MARRY ME!”

BOOM, FADE TO BLACK!

So there you have it folks, all is right in the wonderful world of NEW MOON.  But I do have some thoughts:

1) When Bella and Edward kiss why do they look awkward? If they’re lovers for life they should want to ravage each other, and come on, Eddie, get your shit in control …if guys can’t control when they come, can you at least control the urge to eat your girlfriend when playing tonsel hockey?

2) Man, Taylor Lautner is way more ripped and “beautiful” than Edward.  I would take him in a Tee-Pee and suck off his tatooed wolf dong in a heartbeat if I were Bella. I mean, the only way to get over one lover is by doming another. DUH.

3) Bella’s Dad is the best actor in the movie. Seriously. Oscar nod, anyone?

4) I love when Bella has nightmares — that to me was real.  I’ve had those screaming temper tantrums over girls. This is what makes TWILIGHT feel real to girls across the world. The wanting, the hoping, the waiting, the needing, the longing. THE FUCKED UP part of wanting a boy and not being able to have him.  (In my case it’s been girls, one specifically with glasses in college that fucked me up royally cuz I couldn’t have her…but like Steph Meyers, I turned that longing into words and well, maybe someday little girls will wait in line to see the fictionalized hilarious version of my love life.)

5) Anna Kendrick, the girl who plays Jessica in NEW MOON, is super fucking hot. You wouldn’t know it, but she makes me want to fist my own ass in UP IN THE AIR. Go see that in December.

6) The dorky kid in the movie, MIKE, is such a wet rag. Who would EVER want to see a movie with this clown-town? Come on, hurling from a movie? It’s not like you went to see The Diving Bell and The Butterfly, or Saw V, you went to see a movie within a movie! Come on, dude! Up Ya Game!

7) Kristen Stewart is adorbsies. I want to sleep with her and watch Dexter and smoke weed. I would let her fix my motorcycle any day.

8) My final thought: tell the ones you love that you do in fact love them. Make them want you back. Reach out to them. The love you take is equal to the love you make. If you want your Bella/Edward, go get ‘em. Do not settle for the Sioux Indian kid just because he’s building motorcycles in your back yard. If you gotta go to Italy and evoke the Dakota Fannings to get your love…DO IT!

Xox

M

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Kristen Stewart photographed by Craig McDean

I have this article/spread from INTERVIEW magazine on my bed.  I use it to roll joints on a nightly basis.  I love rolling on her. For Kristen is the best.