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Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess.

Forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man wants you to know that he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City.

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Lady Gaga’s tour rider…. Seriously, babe? This is it? COME THE FUCK ON! Jason Darülo has a more controversial fucking tour rider. Toni from Tony Toné Toni had a more epic rider. This is a fucking joke. You call yourself a rockstar!  Here is what is on Matt’s tour rider for when I do stand up. AT ALL TIMES, THE FOLLOWING MUST BE PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR BACKSTAGE FOR MR. MATT: 1) Shuman 2) Evan 3) Zach 4) Jon “Beth” Weston 5) Road Sodas aka Negro Brodelos 6) 1 ounce of Hindu Kush 7) 1 double-chambered ROOR glass bong 8) 1 Box of Dunkaroos 9) 40 inch plasma with a copy of POINT BREAK, ASPEN EXTREME, and Shorty’s “Fulfill The Dream” skate video from the early 90’s. 10) Towels 11) Two packs of Trojan latex-brand condoms 12) 1 Panasonic DVX 100A videocamera 13) Challah 14) Bagels 15) Philadelphia cream cheese 16) Shark Bites 17) 1 large pie from Village Pizzeria 18) Assort sando’s from Larchmont Wine and Cheese 19) 1 gram of cocaine (just in case I get too drunk and need to sober up) 20) A copy of Alice In Chains Unplugged on DVD 21) 3 custom-skateboards for cruising the arena backstage areas 22) A pack of White Hanes T-shirts size LARGE 23) 10 new pairs of GAP brand boxer-briefs 24) My Mom 25) My Dad 26) My Brother 27) Pop Secret Popcorn 28) Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Toast Crunch 29) 2% Milk 30) Nintendo (8 Bit) with Super Mario Bros, Double Dragon, Paperboy, and 720 THE END! You’re WELCOME, INTERNET. 

Lady Gaga’s tour rider….

Seriously, babe? This is it? COME THE FUCK ON! Jason Darülo has a more controversial fucking tour rider. Toni from Tony Toné Toni had a more epic rider. This is a fucking joke. You call yourself a rockstar! 

Here is what is on Matt’s tour rider for when I do stand up.

AT ALL TIMES, THE FOLLOWING MUST BE PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR BACKSTAGE FOR MR. MATT:

1) Shuman

2) Evan

3) Zach

4) Jon “Beth” Weston

5) Road Sodas aka Negro Brodelos

6) 1 ounce of Hindu Kush

7) 1 double-chambered ROOR glass bong

8) 1 Box of Dunkaroos

9) 40 inch plasma with a copy of POINT BREAK, ASPEN EXTREME, and Shorty’s “Fulfill The Dream” skate video from the early 90’s.

10) Towels

11) Two packs of Trojan latex-brand condoms

12) 1 Panasonic DVX 100A videocamera

13) Challah

14) Bagels

15) Philadelphia cream cheese

16) Shark Bites

17) 1 large pie from Village Pizzeria

18) Assort sando’s from Larchmont Wine and Cheese

19) 1 gram of cocaine (just in case I get too drunk and need to sober up)

20) A copy of Alice In Chains Unplugged on DVD

21) 3 custom-skateboards for cruising the arena backstage areas

22) A pack of White Hanes T-shirts size LARGE

23) 10 new pairs of GAP brand boxer-briefs

24) My Mom

25) My Dad

26) My Brother

27) Pop Secret Popcorn

28) Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Toast Crunch

29) 2% Milk

30) Nintendo (8 Bit) with Super Mario Bros, Double Dragon, Paperboy, and 720

THE END! You’re WELCOME, INTERNET. 


March 31
lady gaga tour rider