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Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess/sport-fucking buddy. His father, a St. Louis cowboy at heart, reined him in as a child, only having to wash out his mouth with soap once during his early years.

Single, forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man finds himself thoroughly concerned with finding a wife, but more importantly, a bitch to lay with in the meantime.

Oh, and he wants me to tell you he he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City back in '01.

Copyright 2009-2010 BlackBerry Jew Squeeze

OH HAI GUYZ! SO I WAS IN NEW YORK THIS WEEKEND (IT WAS SUPER COOL I WENT EVERYWHERE). THE JANE OPEN3D BACK UP AND JOHNLENNON AND GEORGE HARRISON THE DOORMEN LET ME MOVE RIGHT PAST EVERYONE AND THE PAPPPARAZZI (SP?-lolz for daze who caresz) WERE LIKE HEY YOU’RE WITH WHITNEY PORT! DUH! WHITNEY IN THE CITTTAAAAAYYYY! THINGS GET SO WET AND WILD WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER. NOTHING KAN KEEP US APART. WE’RE LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY OR TERRORISTS AND MUSLIMS or PEREZ HILTON AND THE INTERWEB. LEMME TELL YA WHAT WE DID THIS W33KEND (it was VAMPIRE).  WENT TO THE JANE (duh X 20), w3nt to BALTHAZAAR AND CIPRIANNIS (SP? oy, wish I hadn’t dropped out of Tisch to pursue my Act1ng CARRER IN EL AY~) before SPENDING THE NIGHT AT TENJUNE WOOO! BOTTLE SERVICE 4 DAYZE WHEN YOU ARE WHITNEY PORTY!!!!! ITS A PORTY PARTY AND YOU’RE ALL INVIT3D!~

OH HAI GUYZ! SO I WAS IN NEW YORK THIS WEEKEND (IT WAS SUPER COOL I WENT EVERYWHERE).

THE JANE OPEN3D BACK UP AND JOHNLENNON AND GEORGE HARRISON THE DOORMEN LET ME MOVE RIGHT PAST EVERYONE AND THE PAPPPARAZZI (SP?-lolz for daze who caresz) WERE LIKE HEY YOU’RE WITH WHITNEY PORT!

DUH! WHITNEY IN THE CITTTAAAAAYYYY! THINGS GET SO WET AND WILD WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER. NOTHING KAN KEEP US APART. WE’RE LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY OR TERRORISTS AND MUSLIMS or PEREZ HILTON AND THE INTERWEB.

LEMME TELL YA WHAT WE DID THIS W33KEND (it was VAMPIRE).  WENT TO THE JANE (duh X 20), w3nt to BALTHAZAAR AND CIPRIANNIS (SP? oy, wish I hadn’t dropped out of Tisch to pursue my Act1ng CARRER IN EL AY~) before SPENDING THE NIGHT AT TENJUNE WOOO! BOTTLE SERVICE 4 DAYZE WHEN YOU ARE WHITNEY PORTY!!!!!

ITS A PORTY PARTY AND YOU’RE ALL INVIT3D!~


November 19
the hills the city whitney port
fuckyeahollywood: fuckyeahlaurenconrad: Lauren Conrad with Stephanie Pratt and Lauren Bosworth. New Year’s Eve party - December 31, 2009 You. Can’t. Handle. The. Jewz. Hey girls (I’m talking to the ones pictured above, just to clarify), how does it feel to know you get paid six figures for your dignity? How would you price your esteem? Your self-worth? Can I get it on Craigslist? How much would pay back to ensure your 15 minutes aren’t up just yet?  There’s no $ in the world that will ever guarantee that, and the clock is a tickin’. You do realize we are laughing AT you, not with you, right? But it’s all good cause none of you have to wait in line at Teddy’s. I’m mean to you cuz I’m jealous, really. I totally wanna host parties at TAO and make a mockery of myself on national television. Where do I sign? I guess the reason I really pick on you is that because while you’re all off cavorting around in your expensive couture in New York, LA, and the OC, there are people like me who are working hard to achieve their goals the old fashion way — by WORKING. We didn’t take the easy way out because a reality show was handed to us. You’re no different than Balloon Boy and his parents, or the people who snuck into a White House party.  The only difference between you and them is that you get paid to exploit yourselves and they didn’t/don’t. Bummer. You couldn’t pay me any amount of money to be Spencer Pratt. I would totally schtup Heidi, though. I want to make movies, I want to continue to write and I will continue to work extremely hard to make that happen, all without selling my soul for a few hundred grand. My integrity is worth ten times that. Do you understand that the people who tune in to watch are the same people who come home from a long day at work and think, “fuck, I need a glass of wine and the stupidest thing possible on TV to help me forget about the long, arduous day I just had. Shit, AMERICAN IDOL isn’t back on? Good thing I Tivo’d the HILLS.”  Nobody is saying, “Jesus, that was fucking intense. That was hard hitting television. That made me think.” NO! It’s the opposite. We are watching because by watching you try and think for yourselves on TV (which is a nice way of saying a producer is feeding you lines)…we don’t have to think.  We can basque in the mindless entertainment that is your lives. The other half of America that tunes in consists of people too lazy to switch the channel and fourteen year old girls in Long Island who still look up to Lindsay Lohan. Mazel Tov on achieving that award-winning fanbase of geniuses. Quick: Girls! Run to your blackberry and BBM Whitney! LC! Heidi! Lo! YOU MUST STAY ON TOP OF THIS!!!!!! It is your job! Your duty! Your God given right! PS: Good luck with the DUI, Steph.

fuckyeahollywood:

fuckyeahlaurenconrad:

Lauren Conrad with Stephanie Pratt and Lauren Bosworth. New Year’s Eve party - December 31, 2009

You.

Can’t.

Handle.

The.

Jewz.

Hey girls (I’m talking to the ones pictured above, just to clarify), how does it feel to know you get paid six figures for your dignity? How would you price your esteem? Your self-worth? Can I get it on Craigslist? How much would pay back to ensure your 15 minutes aren’t up just yet?  There’s no $ in the world that will ever guarantee that, and the clock is a tickin’. You do realize we are laughing AT you, not with you, right? But it’s all good cause none of you have to wait in line at Teddy’s.

I’m mean to you cuz I’m jealous, really. I totally wanna host parties at TAO and make a mockery of myself on national television. Where do I sign?

I guess the reason I really pick on you is that because while you’re all off cavorting around in your expensive couture in New York, LA, and the OC, there are people like me who are working hard to achieve their goals the old fashion way — by WORKING. We didn’t take the easy way out because a reality show was handed to us. You’re no different than Balloon Boy and his parents, or the people who snuck into a White House party.  The only difference between you and them is that you get paid to exploit yourselves and they didn’t/don’t. Bummer. You couldn’t pay me any amount of money to be Spencer Pratt. I would totally schtup Heidi, though. I want to make movies, I want to continue to write and I will continue to work extremely hard to make that happen, all without selling my soul for a few hundred grand. My integrity is worth ten times that.

Do you understand that the people who tune in to watch are the same people who come home from a long day at work and think, “fuck, I need a glass of wine and the stupidest thing possible on TV to help me forget about the long, arduous day I just had. Shit, AMERICAN IDOL isn’t back on? Good thing I Tivo’d the HILLS.”  Nobody is saying, “Jesus, that was fucking intense. That was hard hitting television. That made me think.” NO! It’s the opposite. We are watching because by watching you try and think for yourselves on TV (which is a nice way of saying a producer is feeding you lines)…we don’t have to think.  We can basque in the mindless entertainment that is your lives. The other half of America that tunes in consists of people too lazy to switch the channel and fourteen year old girls in Long Island who still look up to Lindsay Lohan. Mazel Tov on achieving that award-winning fanbase of geniuses.

Quick: Girls! Run to your blackberry and BBM Whitney! LC! Heidi! Lo! YOU MUST STAY ON TOP OF THIS!!!!!! It is your job! Your duty! Your God given right!

PS: Good luck with the DUI, Steph.


January 6
the hills the city the idiots

How did I ever miss this opportunity? Gosh! I totally shit the bed. I blogged about this before, but the video is just now coming out. Geez, I feel like I did the first time I heard Kanye’s “Graduation.” I’m nervous it’ll suck, but I know it will be great! Oooh, the anticipation! I hope he’s a keeper!!

(**Note: To all of you girls who think I am bagging on Whitney. I’m not. She’s super gorgeous and nice and shit. I would totally do her. I’d even take her to dinner first. We bounced on a trampoline years ago at the Scapa house in the eighth grade. She was hot even then. I’m not trashing Whitney, girl does her thing. However, I AM making of fun of the goofy marketing, the producing, the entire existence of the medium in which props these girls up [Whit Whit included]). Boy, is this silly.

Here are my thoughts on your date, Whitney:

  • Why did you pick Patrick? You could’ve just called Spencer Pratt. The guy is his twin.
  • Coffee is not a fucking date. Maybe if you’re in a fucking Rom Com, or perhaps an Ethan Hawke drama, but not in real life. Maybe on the CITAAY.
  • Epic whip cream close-up time lapse. A+ producing.
  • How have you never done Karaoke, Whitney? It’s lip-syncing and pretending to know what you’re saying. It’s basically The Hills with a backbeat and Asian people re-enacting shitty music videos.
  • Wait, he’s GAY?! Looks like HE’S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE!
  • How the fuck did they get all that vid and sound equipment into your Ford Focus?!

(Look, babe, it’s your job to make money by exploiting the youth of easily brainwashable girls all over the country. It’s my job to make fun of you for doing so).


March 8
the city the hills the whitney