Thanks for giving a shit about my Twitter, Speidi.

I can now die a happy man.

How’s it going with the album release?

Spencer,

You have lost your motherfucking mind! Look, I’m all for self-promotion (www.blackberryjewsqueeze.com), but I need to tell you something: you are about to hand over 5 years of hard work hogging the limelight and immersing yourself in shitty pop-culture moments to a LOONEY TOON “Manager/Healer/Intuit” named Aiden Chase? Forreals? Even if you continue to manage yourself, and let Hiedi be managed by him, you realize that you are a) giving away your 15% as a manger, and b) handing her career to a guy who has got you wearing Tie-Dye, Madonna necklaces, and holding spirit rocks from APOCALYPTO? FUCK! Dude! I don’t even have to say anything witty! I just have to write the facts!

Dude, you went to Crossroads. You were taught better than this. You know better than this. You’re fucking intelligent (you somehow managed to convince the world you’re worth talking about).  You’re a hustler. You’re a man’s man with a penchant for calling other men “tools.” 

You know, I recently looked at my senior year portrait from high school. Man, did I look like a Dusche Larusche and I was only wearing a Polo shirt with the collars up! Look at this number you’ve picked out for yourself…who is your new stylist? Helen Fuckin’ Keller? My dog Stevie Wonder dresses more coherently than you and forrealzies he can’t see SHIT! 

I know it’s been a rough few months between Heidi’s botched surgery, you being “asked to leave the Hills”, and now this whole fucking spiritual crisis you are going through. Let me help you help yourself. Go buy the Blueprint 3 and put it in your car. Play it on repeat a few times. You think Jigga Man became Jigga Man by handing his career to some ass clown? NO! And when the going got rough with Damon Dash he peaced the fuck out. Get your swagger back! There are many great management companies in town that will surely rep you and/or Heidi. Mgmt 360, Underground, The Collective…GET IT TOGETHER, Spence! Don’t hand your career to some Malibu clown who listens to Yanni or whatever New-Age garbage is hot this month. 

I want you to succeed, for no other reason than deep down, I know you are a good guy who just wants to make his family proud and get back at all the bitches that ever fucked with your head…in a way, we’re kinda alike. Except I dress like I live in the now, rather than looking as if I just stepped out of a Tee-Pee at Burning Man. In the crazy factor, you’re giving even GaGa a run for her money.

You want to be spiritual? Buy some OG Kush and the new SADE album and turn off the lights. Just take those fucking beads off, son! The seventies ended! Also, may I suggest a beard trimmer? You got more hair on your chin than I do on my balls!

@spencerpratt -

Hey, you total fucking loser! How’s it feel to have and lose one million dollars? Please, do tell. Inquiring minds (read: nobody) want to know. Tell us how you went from the being King DIPSHIT at Crossroads High School to King DIPSHIT of the entire universe in five years. It’s almost impressive. God, I remember seeing you at at high school parties, your bleached tips curling on your head as you guzzled beers in your Chrome Hearts sweatshirt, announcing to anyone and everyone how famous you were going to be exploiting Brody Jenner in The Princes of Malibu. That show lasted all of 2 acts. Not sure they ever aired the end of the Pilot. Anyway….

I/we/the entire human race happily forgot about you, and then you showed up on Gawker today, nearly in tears, because you realized a) you have no career in television any more, and couldn’t get a real job if your life depended on it. 

I just want you to know how incredible happy this makes me. Justice is served. Have fun fucking that Real Doll you married. 

Sincerely,

Everyone in the World

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