Questions? Concerns? Advertisers? Email JewSqueeze{at}gmail.com

Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess.

Forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man wants you to know that he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City.

Copyright 2009-2011 BlackBerry Jew Squeeze

“No can do! I got an 8:30 rez at Dorsia.”

Patty Bateman, American Psycho



“This ain’t Amsterdam, Vince. This is a sellers market. Coke is fucking dead as… dead. Heroin, it’s coming back in a big fucking way.”

Lance, Pulp Fiction



“Thai?! Why would I go with Thai?!”

Elton, Clueless



“Drink wine…this is life eternal;
this is all that youth will give you.
It is the season for wine, roses and drunken friends.
Be happy for this moment; this moment is your life….”

Omar Khayyam



“You’re not getting a gun.”

Favreau to Vaughn, MADE



“I’m Gonna Suture Up My Future”

Queens of the Stoneage



“You were in SEVENTEEN once and you looked fat so stop acting like your God damned Christy Turlington!”

American Beauty



“Lover, you should’ve come over”

Jeff Buckley



“Sharon Stone…ugh…ugh….I’d fuck her”

My Dad



“She’s never been high. Never held smoke in her lungs. Not even coke on her gums. There’s always some other guy. She’s never been high.”

Evan Weiss, Slang Chickens