123 Reasons to Love NYC

**from Gawker.  I didn’t write these.

1. Because we scorn the fat.

2. Because we can drink until 4 AM.

3. Because we have our drugs delivered to our doors.

4. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.

5. Because we get to push tourists if we’re late for work.

6. Because we only pretend to recycle. ^¹

7. Because Tompkins Square park is still friendly to junkies. ^¹

8. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, you’re still “middle class.” ^²

9. Because “fuck” is intrinsic to our local dialect.

10. Because there’s a Starbucks on every block.

11. Because you can get anything you want on Craigslist.

12. Because Anderson Cooper.

13. Because our restaurants are so cramped, we can hear if our neighbor is being an asshole.

14. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors

15. Because a pink paper like the New York Observer can survive. ^¹

16. Because assistants.

17. Because everyone’s Gay.

18. Because we can make someone like Blackface Jesus into a celebrity. ^³

19. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup. ^¹

20. Because there’s always a secret room behind the VIP room. ^²

21. Because we can get fake TiVo for $9.95/mo.

22. Because our tabloids are considered newspapers. ^²

23. Because the transit strike keeps us from really working.

24. Because Jocelyn Wildenstein exists. ^²

25. Because you can go to the East Village Baths and not get raped.

26. Because David Cross’s imposters live here. ^³

27. Because Brooklyn is for domesticating. ^³

28. Because i-bankers and hipsters can peacefully coexist. ^²

29. Because there’s always a free drink available somewhere.

30. Because we know Sex and the City is a crock of shit. ^²

31. Because we know Friends is a crock of shit.

32. Because it only takes $30 million to launch and burn a magazine. ^³

33. Because we think Vitamin Water is a real beverage. ^³

34. Because we never have to shovel snow (unless it’s coke).

35. Because we all know we’re actually better than Tinsley Mortimer.

36. Because “road trip” just means Ikea.

37. Because even Lenny Kravitz’s toilet gets clogged.

38. Because smoking is encouraged.

39. Because we only have one mall, and it’s not any good anyhow.

40. Because people read.

41. Because we invented PNP.

42. Because words like Otto Tootsie Plohound make sense to us.

43. Because we eat McDonald’s ironically.

44. Because ANYONE can lie to Page Six. ^³

45. Because Jews.

46. Because you can take a dump at the Apple Store.

47. Because you can buy anything, even a stolen baby.

48. Because mani/pedis are affordable.

49. Because George Whipple.

50. Because our public opinion can turn on a dime.

51. Because real estate is a professional sport.

52. Because only black is the new black.

53. Because it’s acceptable to Shoot the Freak. ^³

54. Because our pigeons have rabies.

55. Because Conde Nasties don’t threaten our food supply. ^³

56. Because anyone can get into Soho House and see that it’s nothing. ^²

57. Because everyone’s got a blog. ^³

58. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.

59. Because Bloomberg has that adorable bald spot. ^³

60. Because it’s easy to stalk famous people.

61. Because everyone you know has slept with one another.

62. Because Woody Allen is allowed.

63. Because Fresh Direct has every single product’s nutritional info on its website.

64. Because Peter Braunstein stabbed himself in the neck.

65. Because we have a looser definition of substance abuse.

66. Because everyone has a cat or a book deal. ^¹

67. Because you only need a Village Voice to get a chick with a dick. ^³

68. Because anybody can be a DJ.

69. Because even if you can only play “Wish You Were Here” on the guitar, you can make a few bucks at a subway station.

70. Because Robin Byrd.

71. Because everybody knows the 1-800-Mattress song. ^³

72. Because sometimes it’s just fun to give tourists wrong directions.

73. Because you can buy live jellyfish from a wooden box in Chinatown.

74. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.

75. Because your parents don’t love to come visit.

76. Because you can walk down the street and fart and nobody will notice. ^²

77. Because if you want a cat, you can walk into any deli and just steal one.

78. Because you can do your Sunday morning walk of shame undetected.

79. Because Teen Vogue is only $1.99. ^¹

80. Because fifth floor walk-up apartments are great for the glutes.

81. Because nobody uses condoms anymore.

82. Because Dr. Zizmor is a celebrity.

83. Because you can drop a penny in an empty water jug and make some dude’s day. ^³

84. Because everyone looks like shit in the morning.

85. Because there’s such a thing as $300 sushi.

86. Because you can be a gay man and reasonably keep both a wife and a boyfriend.

87. Because bagels.

88. Because there’s just enough Brits around to keep us speaking proper English.

89. Because we worship high fashion in collapsible tents.

90. Because vegetarians keep to themselves. ^³

91. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.

92. Because there’s always someone naked in Times Square.

93. Because the New York Press is still trying. ^²

94. Because your cab driver is probably more interesting than you are.

95. Because you can get mustard on everything.

96. Because it’s perfectly fine to answer your phone mid-sentence.

97. Because H&M: Our Gap is Eurotrash on purpose. ^³

98. Because we don’t stand in line, we stand on it.

99. Because we tolerate the New York Sun. ^³

100. Because gift bags. ^¹

101. Because you can ride the Staten Island ferry all day at only the cost of your stomach. ^²

102. Because “summer” really does make sense as a verb.

103. Because we know what “new bar smell” is, but not “new car smell.”

104. Because 666-6666 has nothing to do with Satan. Technically.

105. Because even your intern has an intern. ^¹

106. Because only old people have land lines. ^³

107. Because parts of Central Park still smell like a poopy country farmyard.

108. Because you can make a career out of being Amanda Lepore. ^¹

109. Because everyone drinks at brunch.

110. Because our tap water won’t kill you.

111. Because it’s easy to steal wifi. ^²

112. Because as much as you hate it, Rockefeller Center is still kind of neat.

113. Because city kids have been there and done that before you even got here. ^²

114. Because everyone’s painfully human, even the staff of the New York Times. ^³

115. Because used clothes cost more than new ones.

116. Because we’d rather be emaciated than healthy. ^¹

117. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.

118. Because it’s perfectly acceptable to give the finger to anyone at any time.

119. Because the smell is concentrated in Chinatown. ^²

120. Because doing your own laundry is for rich suckers.

121. Because you can buy Vagisil at the bodega at 4 AM.

122. Because we keep Jersey at arm’s length.

123. Because we gave silly Adam Moss a job. ^³

As

Weekend Update: New York

Visiting New York is always a special treat. Going with my family is even sweeter. If you read the Squeeze, you know I’ve had a boner for Lady Liberty since I was five, when my mother first took Jonathan and I all over the city in our matching Gap jackets. My brobro will say I sound like a tourist, but those first trips to the Empire State Building, the Plaza where we did goofy HOME ALONE faces, Rumplemayer’s for ice cream, Serendipity for frozen hot chocolate, Central Park for walks with Grandma and trips to the theater really ingrained a love for the joint. Those places have since been replaced by beer gardens, dimly lit bars that make Anne Frank’s Amsterdam attic look spacious, and all-night diners that don’t serve matzoh ball soup. The smells are familiar - that funk when you get into Penn Station, or the smell of stale beer in all the bars, the cabs, the natural heat. 

I made some new friends this time around. Wonderful gents, really. Let’s see. Hmm…there was Ian, the handsome MGMT face-panted skateboarder, a dead-ringer for Casper in KIDS, sans the date-rape rap sheet. Or how about Tim, the bearded fellow who looked straight out of the inside-flap of a Creedence LP. There was also Sam, my cultural attaché to the gay community. Sam wears two wrist-watches, a punk-inspired wristband, and what I know isn’t but can only be described as anal beads. Very chic. Loved him. 

The Bar-Mitzvah — or shall I say, the reason I was there — was off the charts. Insane. Bananas. A lot of things have changed since my day on the bimah. Did you know Jewish families hire “motivators”, these buff, usually African-American dancers that are supposed to “motivate” the shy kids? This one blonde-babe “motivator” came up to me thinkin, “look at this four-eye Jew. I will bring him out of his shell.” Meanwhile, homegirl got way more than she bargained for. Let’s just say I hope she ovulates in a few short weeks. JK BTdubbs yeah right, “hello…this is America…” R.I.P. Alicia Silverstone being relevant…

…I totally paused….

The actual ceremony, or Havdalah service, was nearly ruined because they herded all of us Jews into a makeshift tent so we could watch the Scarsdale sunset. How Precious (based on a novel PUSH by Sapphire). Hurricane Schmul was on the warpath. And he wasn’t takin’ no prisoners. The winds whipped so hard that barely a word was audible. Yikes!

My cousins are totally spoiled. They are fun to hang out with, but man, I hope I didn’t sound that way at thirteen. One of my cousin’s friends, Maxi said, no joke, after stomping in the house like she was doing us a favor, “I really wish I had a machine so I didn’t have to walk.” That’s when my mother chimed in, “so you mean, a wheelchair?” Good one, Mom. Way to put a twelve year old Ke£ha fan in her place. You know what else is fucked up? The lack of musical knowledge in the youth these days. We gave each of my cousins BEATS BY DR. DRE headphones and upon receiving them they were like, “who?” Forreal, little cuz? “Nothin’ But A G Thing”? “Let me ride?” The Motherfucking Chronic? Chronic 2001? Mahhhh N****!!!!! UP YOUR GAME little cousins!

All in all, it was time well spent. I had a blast. Thank you to all who participated. Do I sound like Sandy Bullock winning a Golden Globe for THE BLINDE SIDE here? Oy. 

Finally, I must give praise to Ratones, Ruthie, Jones and Jonno for showing me a most epic time. It was a most excellent adventure. 

LET’S GO LAKERS!!!!

Game 4!