Images like this make me so sad. Richard Gere, as Officer Mayo you were my dreamboat. These days…not so much. I don’t care though. No matter where you like to put your gerbils, I’ll still vouch for you.

But for real, check out this transformation. These are the young, gorgeous days of our lives. No matter how you feel about the way you look now, face it: this is probably the best any of us are gonna look (and FEEL!)…for the rest of our lives. Embrace it! Your clock is ticking, brobro! Go for a run! Wear something tight! Get yourself some swagger! Youth; you gotta cherish it. 

AN ODE TO THE THIRD WHEEL: DANCING WITH MYSELF. By: Molly.

I’m the third wheel, third wheel, you are me.

Couples make out when I leave to pee.

I come back to the table, you pretend it’s all good

But I know you’d be boning right now if you could.

But you must stick around, make sure I don’t “feel left out,”

Especially after my third drink when I start to pout.

“I’m lonely, y’all are so lucky, it’s cool…I love sleeping alone

For real, you can leave, I’ll just hang and drink Patron.”

So you do, and I start a drunk ex-text. Bad idea…

I’ll wait til the morning when my brain is more clear

I wake with the sun, say thank God I kept my cool,

But no more third wheeling, it makes me feel like a tool. 

THEEEEEE END. Thanks to all the gorgeous couples who made this poem a reality for me. I feel amazing. 

Dear Boys, here are some things my sister and I would like to tell you.

1. If you’re standing next to a girl at a deli counter and the sandwich maker says “do you want a pickle with that?” and you say “yes” and the cute girl standing next to you pipes up with “good call,” and then you talk about pickles and condiments for 5 minutes, you should ask for her number before she gets away. she’s rad. she’s carrying a yoga mat, she’s talking about pickles, and she’s eyefucking you…you’re an idiot. (witnessed firsthand at gelson this afternoon!!!)

2. our sexual organs are INSIDE of us and, even so, we girls (well, most of us) still manage to keep them clean and smelling lovely. your organs dangle outside of you, available to be showered and powdered at all times. and yet i can’t even begin to tell you the number of girls i know who’ve been traumatized by the stink of your parts. if girls had balls, you can be damn sure we’d keep them gorgeous and fresh. there’d probably be a whole pop-up industry of ball bedazzling salons and magazine articles like “How to Get Luscious Nuts in 5 Minutes a Day.” so show us some hygienic effort, will you please?

3. USE EMOTICONS SPARINGLY, plz. ;)

4. It’s really nice when you compliment something that we don’t normally get complimented on (shoulders, hands, small flaws, sense of humor).

5. If you’re out during the day (not at the gym) wearing sweatpants, you may as well be wearing a sign that says I AM 100% SURE I’M NOT GOING TO GET A BONER TODAY.

6. “We want dessert. We want you to order dessert. What we don’t want is for you to ask us if we want dessert.” -Connie Britton 

7. We’re not over you! But… are you over us? if you’re over us, we’re over you. 

8.”“Women don’t take forever to pee. It’s other chicks who make us wait. We have absolutely no idea what we’re doing in there, and we look at one another in the bathroom line like, What the hell? Then, to keep ourselves occupied, we play with one another’s boobs.” -Faith Sallie

9. Just fucking kiss her already. She’s waiting for it, she’s ready for it, and she’s about to start thinking you’re gay if you don’t just go for it. 

There we are, Molly and me. Got DAMN we are sexxxy as fuck. I mean, honestly.

I’d blow us. 

PS: Aunt Norma…if you are reading this…I think you need a new hobby. IT’S THE INTERNET. 

1. word on the street is, dudes like a girl most when she’s in in a t shirt and jeans, sans makeup. save your money at barneys, galz. 

2. is it me watching too much mad men, or is the “little boy” body type on a woman becoming less and less desirable, and finally guys are more inclined to want to ride the feminine curvetown express?

3. did my first two points contradict themselves? did i say both ‘be womanly’ and ‘be boyish?’ does anyone give a shit? didn’t think so! 

See —- Molly is so fuegs.

veritasempire:

DJ Jonny Haus//Molly LAST NAME REDACTED BECAUSE SHE’S A DOCTOR NOW