Name: Molly aka Mollo

Occupation: Failed actor

Ideal Man: Nick Swardson meets Nick Cave meets Officer Candidate Zack Mayo…preferably wearing Vans.

Turn Ons: Whiskey, dirty humor, chivalry, aggressiveness…

Turn Offs: Silence at breakfast, anger, ‘jam bands’…

Song that always makes me feel girly/romantic/nostalgic/swoony: “Dark End of the Street,”-Percy Sledge

Embarrassing confession: I listen to dirty rap when I work out and pretend I’m the girl in the rap song. It makes feel like if I work out hard enough, then maybe one day I’ll have a body worthy of thug love.

Relation to Sir MJH:

Oh boy. Where to begin. When I think of Matt these are the first memories that come to mind:

1) Matt attempting to use the “if you can make them laugh you can make them yours” approach to getting chicks by regaling a group of my high school girlfriends with an adorable story about his mom spreading antifungal cream on his butthole or something like that. Really, who doesn’t swoon picturing their crush spreading his cheeks for his mommy? EPIC FAIL.

2) Matt, post breakup with his dreamgirl, showing up to a house party with “You’re just somebody that I used to know” scrawled in huge letters in Sharpie around his wrist. Poor Elliott Smith. All the beauty of his simple, sad, and haunting lyrics… swirling about in your mopey armhair while you lifted another keystone to your lips, drowning away the devastating sorrow you felt over a girl you would undoubtedly be back together with by the end of the night, slowly romancing to “Wild Horses.” Ugh, barf.

3) Matt sitting on a curb outside some bar on Sunset, telling me (while he hung his head between his knees) that he had written a novel, a-la Brett Easton Ellis, about growing up in L.A., girls, and cocaine, and he wanted me to read it. He said he wanted my opinion because I’ve read enough Didion to “get it”…but he didn’t really need my opinion because he already knew it was “fucking genius.” Then he started puking. EPIC EGO. By the way, you optioned that genius yet?

In all truth I love Matt Hausy with all my heart. He always writes the sweetest birthday cards, makes girls feel pretty, tries to give me good advice, and is as loyal as they come. He is also a disgusting pig and needs to get punched in the face a lot of the time. That being said, this blog of his needs a lot of help. It is unbelievably masturbatory (literally) and there is not one shred of female opinion anywhere in it, though there is an overabundance of opinion on females.

Matt, you claim to be so enthralled with the mystery that lies behind sex and relationships. However, where most blogs interview others, post stories written by others, ask the opinions of OTHERS, yours is entirely based on you, your thoughts, your opinions, and your semen. How are you ever gonna figure out the things you can’t understand on your own if you never look outward for answers? Woah, I’m getting heavy here…can you dig it?

I’m here to help. I want to try to clue you into the fascinating opinions and stories that exist in the minds and hearts of other people, which you’d be privy to if you could force yourself to be interested in anything but your own boner for 30 seconds. Maybe you will learn what you’ve been trying to figure out, maybe you will just get some great footage for your spank bank. Either way, how ‘bout we get some estrogen flowing in this Squeeze?

To start this little blog‐ette off on a non‐self absorbed note, I decided to conduct a little poll amongst all the fantastic ladies in my life so I could get a little perspective on whether or not I know anything about my own sex. All of the women interviewed are babes, trust me (or Matt), all of them are college educated, and the majority of them are not that slutty! (Slutty enough to be fun, but reserved enough to make everything about them mysterious except their last std test results‐ siempre negatory!)

What did I discover? Exactly what I already knew from experience (and hopefully what a lot of you boys know already too!): Dudes, you ALL have a shot! With all of us! Basically you have to have 3 things going on initially to wiggle your way into our considerations, and just a teensy bit extra to wiggle your way into our innards. First question: What are three things you look for in a dude?

Top 3 contenders by FAR (in order)

1. Sense of humor (included in this: good laugh, thinks I’m funny too, isn’t easily offended)

2. Confidence (the combo of humor+confidence is unbelievably powerful. A veritable roofie to our sensibilities, it will basically make us weak for even the most Shrek‐like contenders)

3. Good shoes (as one classy dame put it: “No FUCKING tevas.”

Runners up came in two categories: skanky and sweet.

Skanky:

‐great head

‐large peen

‐gets rough without asking. (Mee‐yow. That’s a good one.)

Sweet:

‐glasses

‐passionate

‐nice smile

‐remembers things we talked about and brings them up in later conversations

See?! We’re not that tough to understand!! We’re not asking you to be some unbelievably romantic sex god! I mean, number THREE was good SHOES?! How hard is that? Get yourself to Sportie L.A., kiddo!! We just want you to make us laugh, like yourself enough to convince us that we should probably like you too, and go down on us. If that’s too much to ask, then good luck homeboy…

I also asked the girls to describe their ‘dealbreakers,’ how dudes who weren’t initially their type eventually swooned them, what they think guys are incapable of understanding, what they’re incapable of understanding about guyzzz…and other various girly girly vagchat topics…can you hardly wait for the next installment??

Is this shit not fascinating?! I’m sure you savvy dudes already know whats up, but still!! Remember in junior high when someone asked “If you could be a chick for 24 hours, what would you do? And you said girltalk at a drunken slumber party for an hour and then masturbate for the next 23?!” Well, I’m giving away all our damn secrets! I’m gonna let you be that fly on the wall in our girltalk, I’m gonna let you vicariously chick‐sturbate!!! This is epic! The male‐female gap is closing as we speak!!! We’re all gonna understand eachother perfectly and everyones gonna have the most unbelievable orgasms and there will be no more fighting or teen pregnancies or earthquakes or anything!!!

BlackberryJewSqueeze saves the world!

— Molly

HEEEEEEEEEEEERE’S MOLLY:

so recently i got this STUPID haircut because around christmas i got this STUPID hair treatment that was supposed to make my hair lustrous and mermaid-like and instead fried the shit out of it to the point where it was attacking itself from the bottom up and i literally had to amputate 4 inches of it to save the rest.

all this mess from just tryin way too hard to be a babe. got me thinkin. when i was in mexico this past week, i felt like a huge ugly stupidface with my dumb hair and for whatever reason it was really bumming me out.

then i went on this silly snorkeling boat, where almost everyone there was on their ‘second honeymoon’ with their hubby. ALL the old men had these huge, bulbous, sunburned beerbellies…and all the women had dimply wobbly thighs and blubber floppin through their life vests. but whatever, they were SO HAPPY! they were smiling away, hittin up that open bar and frantically pointing to trumpet fish like it was their last day on earth. because they were still smiling, still vacationing, still swimming after all these years. beautiful or not, they learned along the way where real joy is.

i guess its a good idea to learn early on that as long as you dont put all your eggs in your beauty basket, or some other trivial basket, you’ll end up alright. because duh, beauty fades, sometimes romance doesnt last, but snorkeling is forever. 

but for real. brings me to two of my favorite quotes from two very wise people. 

“worship your body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally grieve you.” -david foster wallace.

“just go with the guy who makes you laugh. because trust me, at the end of the day we’re all gonna be fat and gray sitting next to eachother in our rocking chairs, and it won’t matter how cute he used to be when you’re too old to find someone new and he can’t make you smile.” -anna’s mom

Molly wrote this about breakups: proceed at your own caution:

Oh, breakups.

 They sucksucksuck so bad! Don’t you just sit there at a bar with your friends (who suddenly all seem blissfully satisfied in their relationships or ‘single and loving it’) and just zone out, lost in a bummer that nobody understands and that seems to have the inexplicable and unfortunate effect of making you feel WORSE when people or you yourself try to do things to cheer you up?! “Lets go out lets go dancing lets go meet new dudes lets go to yoga lets get massages lets get wasted lets eat our feelings lets try being lesbians…” ra, ra, shishboombah its all the same and none of it works.

 So what oh what do you do. Go out, get drunk with your friends, and whine? Sit at home, get chunky, and mourn? Try your damndest to get back together with the dude who may actually have been so right for you or may have been so wrong just to ease your pain? Find a new guy? Take up a hobby? How do you get happy again?!

HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DEAL?!

 Don’t ask this overly-romantic dope! I could fall in love with a homeless lesbian if she made me feel special enough.

 So here, in no particular order, are some of the responses I got from tough chicks who’ve been through it. As anyone who has been bummed on an ex before knows, this advice can kind of feel like nothing…but it’s nice to know you’re not alone, you sad sack you!!!

 So, laydeez, how long does it take to get over a dude and how do you do it?

-It depends, but dating an older gentleman will definitely help your situation

-Depends. usually when you find the next one.  not because women are dependent, we just get bored easily so we convince ourselves we still want to be with the jobless retard we dumped or the stinky asshole who dumped us.

-Well, it depends on how quickly you find a new one. Obviously. The best way to do it, hmmmm, purge. Get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him. Delete him - phone, facebook, myspace, twitter, aim, etc 

-gettin’ over a love is different than just a fling. date someone else to get over a fling. getting over a love takes time and thought.

-I don’t think there’s a set amount of time.  Depending on the length of the relationship you may need at least 6 months to fully move on however it’s totally circumstantial.  Best way to convince yourself that you’re over it is a rebound. No doubt.  But you must also be completely honest with yourself during the break-up process and maintain self-respect.

-Depends. best way i think to do it is to come to the realization and acceptance that there is no hope between you two in the future, that there is a a pretty promising chance you won’t get back together, so forget it. 

-Not that long. Just remember the time you hated him or were most grossed out or frustrated by him. Focus on his badness til you cant remember his goodness. They’re all dogs.

-Too fucking LONG - hit yourself everytime you think about him. 

-Sigh. It can take quite awhile. Drink whiskey and commiserate with your bitchiest galfriends.

- It takes too long to get over a dude, but the best way is to travel/go somewhere where you don’t have memories with that person, and then get drunk and makeout with someone else. But don’t have sex with someone else too soon or else you will feel dirty and maybe cry after…that happened to one of my friends.

…So here’s what we learned. Time/tactics depend on the situation, obviously. But the top contenders seem to be:

a) find a new guy/fling (understandable choice)

b)realize whats up, quit kidding yourself, and move the hell on (probably the most intelligent choice) or

c) get drunk and/or hit yourself. (probably the most damaging choice…but lesbianist…who hasn’t been there before?!)

I know what option I tend to choose! Do yooou, chickadee? Wanna try a new one?! In the meantime, try to enjoy being single, cuz 1) people are dying of starvation all over the world and you aren’t so suck it up and count your damn blessings and 2) we’re young and rad and, trust me, your single time wont last forever- you’re one hot catch!!

Xo

Molly

Alright, alright. So yesterday’s post was admittedly a bit girly and way too long. Sorrr-Y! As penance, here’s a little tidbit of info that I thought was kind of a funny secret, but after a chat with girlfriends recently have come to find out is somewhat common knowledge. Anyway…

You know that type of bikini wax girls get that takes it all off but leaves that little square tuft of hair right at the verybottom? The waxing place I go calls it the “Mystique,” or “full Brazilian?” 

It’s sexy right? Well dudes, when you’re performing acts of oral delight on a girl sporting this look, and she looks down on you (literally, not metaphorically) from that angle…

You.

Look.

Like.

Hitler! 

Surprise! Try not to think about that next time.

Hugs and kisses,

Molly. 

(**Note: Picture by Terry Richardson. It was Matt’s choice…not mine…perv).

everything about him is just the dreamiest. 

rumor has it in cool hand luke he really ate all 50 eggs in that epic scene. true method acting!! what male celeb do you know who’d ever actually do something like that to be “real” in a role today? “oooh the cholesterol, ohhh no i’m set to play a boxer in a film next month gotta keep trimmin’ down the ol’ abs…” wah wah wah MAN UP. 

NEWMAN RIP

My first crush. Benny Rodriguez. Oh man, I can’t even tell you how I swooned for him. And Yea Yea. And Devon Sawa. And Mike Piazza. And Grant Hill. I had decent taste for a 9 year old.

In other news, Matt told me I look like Ugly Betty this weekend. Thanks a lot asshole! 

We here at BlackBerry Jew Squeeze get a lot of questions, via email and in person. Just last week some babe at Nic’s Martini Lounge ran up to me, with her boyfriend in tow and said, “DUDE! ARE YOU SINGLE?! OMG I love your blog. You are a genius!!”

Duh.

Naturally, we get people askin’ all sorts of shit:

“Are you guys single?”

“Did MjH really schtup a babe at DIVE! the restaurant?”

“Does Molly wax?”

“What’s your favorite scent of Jo Malone?”

“Do you prefer Votivo candles or Lysol for post-dump at a girl’s house?”

“What do you look for in a partner, and what exactly does the ‘wife search’ entail”? 

THIS, MY FRIENDS, IS WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR: WHEN YOUR LOVE CAN LOOK THIS FLY WITH THIS SHIRT ON AND A TOOFBRUSH. 

Molly is the white fuckin’ Rihanna. Been sayin’ it for jeers.