I am Haunted

Guys,

I initially started this blog to talk about girls. I will be very honest with you, despite the fact that I’ll get tons of shit for saying the following… 

For the past month or so, I have had haunting dreams about my ex girlfriend. It’s actually upsetting me. Not because it’s not that I’m not over her, but because it causes me real life nightmares. (PS: Jonathan, I don’t care if you think I’m being a total emo fagball by admitting this). 

I wake up in the morning, after having the most intense, vivid dreams about her. It’s like she’s really there. Sometimes it’s sexual, and sometimes they are not. We’re talking about someone that was my best friend. Then one day POOF! Gone. Coincidentally, both of my serious ex-gfs are now engaged and getting married. I guarantee at least one of them will be divorced by our thirties. We’re 25! How the hell can you be responsible for another human being when it’s nearly impossible just to keep your own head above water? “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.”

Why is everyone getting married? Seriously. What is the fucking point? If you are that in love, than GREAT! But I just don’t believe it. Am I missing something? In the past 2 months my boy Prinz has gone to at least 4 weddings, all twenty-something souls.

Back to my problem: I fear that I will never find another best friend/partner in crime like I had when I was a seventeen year old punk. I want a true best friend, but one that has a vagina. In PULP FICTION, in the Jack Rabbit Slims diner sequence, Uma talks about being able to enjoy a quiet moment and just shut the fuck up with someone. Not everybody is capable of this. People are selfish. I’m selfish. But I am able to appreciate quiet. I think that’s why I like napping so much. 

What horrifies me is the thought of never being able to be as intimate with another person as I was back then. My brother thinks I look to the past with a nostalgic eye because I’m scared of the present…that’s not the case. I’m worried about the future. I think being in your twenties is a very difficult time. Everyone is trying to figure it out. Some of us have, most others have not. It all comes back to this: WILL I FIND A WIFE? Does she exist? (This is the thesis of my book, by the way). 

I keep telling myself that my ex is not the same as she once was. In fact, I keep reminding myself that about all of them, from Kindergarten to the ones in college. I’m not even the same, but yet my heart is just as big, if not bigger, inflated with memories of special moments with loved ones. I keep telling myself that I am the catch (I mean, duh). But it’s fucking with my head. When I’m awake I am in total control. Then I fall asleep and it’s like the Reappearance of Alice Creed. Is my brain trying to tell me something?? This is like Inception gone completely awry. Someone KICK me so I wake up. 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not like ACTUALLY tripping/bugging/upset. I’m more wigging than anything. HELLO? It’s been like YEARS since college and even more since high school. WTF, God? Can you hook it up, or what?

I like that I’m growing up. I like that I feel sorta like a big kid/sorta adult.

Life’s good, but the dreams are making me feel like a weirdo. 

New Guy

My ex-girlfriend recently referred to the new man in her life as her boyfriend. Whoa! That was quick. Didn’t see that coming. Glad I have the shelf-life of a carton of 2%, or a package of string cheese at best. Writer’s Note*: (Must find out if String Cheese and/or Milk lasts seven weeks). 

****In all seriousness, I joke around because it helps, new guy. It’s hard to hear that your ex (or any ex for that matter) is entangled with another man (you) so soon out of the gate. She’s special. Treat her as such. Be good to her. Be kind. Consider her feelings. Open doors. Give her your jacket when she’s cold. Make her laugh. Take her out. Buy her dinner. Introduce her to your family. Make her breakfast. Kiss her all the time. Dance. Sing. Laugh. Surprise her. Maybe don’t watch so many episodes of The Sopranos on HBO GO when she’s in bed next to you. Send her flowers. Go down on her while she watches Gossip Girl (mainly so you don’t have to watch it yourself). Hold her hand. Make her Mix CDs. Let her use your Blackberry charger. Give her leather jackets. Take her on trips. Bring her coffee. Sing songs with her friends. More than anything, tell her how much you love her. She deserves it. *****

The Roaring Twenties

This is the face I’m making as I talk to Ernesto at Bank of America Credit Card Fraud Services. I hate to complain when most of the world is in a state of shambles, occupying various cities, but we’ve all got our troubles. 

It is extremely difficult to pull it together every month to make rent, food, gas, insurance and have anything left over for socializing, a date, a nice meal, or concert tickets, especially in the field of writing. 

But then, out of nowhere, my brother put it so eloquently via iChat just moments ago.

“DOOD. UR FUCKN DEPRESSING. You have family, assets, friends, and you can buy dinner. I have $100 bucks in my checking account. Being broke in your twenties is what it’s all about and it FUKN Rulez.”

All Love Everything

(this is me at 3AM on January 1st, 2011)

As we approach the new year of 2012, I want to encourage everyone to focus on what you have instead of what you want, who loves you as opposed of who isn’t giving you enough attention, and those things/people in your life that add the curvature in your smile, blessing you with indelible moments and happiness. 

I would like to take a minute to share my utmost appreciation for life. I hope it doesn’t come off as bragging, or even trite, because I say/write the following with clear eyes and a full heart. Can’t lose. I am incredibly lucky for all of the following, and it’s all I can do but to share my admiration with you. 

2011: A Look Back At The Places and People: 

I nearly burst into particles of happiness, watching the sun rise with Jonathan and a group of amazing Jewish kids at the top of Massada in Israel on Birthright, an experience that I’ll never forget. Listening to this song on my iPhone at 3AM:

I witnessed my best friend fall in love over the course of four years, finally asking his girlfriend to marry him this year (she said yes). Way to go, Adam! 

I am completely inspired by my brother, watching him direct an entire studio of videographers and musicians in what would become the awesome PaPa video for “I Am The Lion King.” 

I screamed at the top of my lungs for my friends Evan and Darren, as they were introduced as the Weiss brothers to a sold-out show, playing with GIRLS at the Henry Fonda Theater. 

I was lucky enough to dance and sing with my friends to the likes of Prince, Blink 182, LCD Soundsystem, Holy Ghost, Cut Copy, Drake, Maroon 5, Incubus, Slang Chickens, Mini Mansions, Queens of the Stoneage, and Jay-Z/Kanye West. I know that I am not entitled to any of this, and that I am in the .001% of the world’s population that gets to experience such incredibly talented entertainers on an almost weekly basis, mainly thanks to my friends who keep me hip. 

I’d like to acknowledge Steve Prinz, EbDog, Andrea, Marc, and Adam at Paramount for being so supportive of my decision to follow my dreams of being a writer, while still including me in the Pmount fun even though I left the fraternity. You guys are family to me, and the years I spent working for and with you made me strong, resourceful, and able to achieve anything as long as I stick to my guns and believe in myself. NEVER SAY NEVER! 

In what was probably the first mature adult relationship I’ve ever had, I’d like to take a moment to tell Sara how happy I am that we are true friends. After all is said and done, in the wake of a relationship, it’s extremely difficult to acknowledge the good things about the ones you loved, turning those positives into a friendship, as opposed to focusing on the negative resentment. I am so blessed to have met you and shared such fond memories (like flying a plane or singing Scotty McReery together). 

I’m incredibly lucky to wake up each and every day and work for an incredible boss on a show that so many people love. Revenge is sweet! (That’s Whiskey, our Writers’ Office Mascot, with a Kleenex box on his head). 

I have two incredible parents, JereNSteph, who keep me grounded, showering me with love no matter what I say, what I come barreling in the front door wearing on Hangover Sundays, or who I choose to be from month to month. Mom and Dad, I love you to pieces. I know I’m a handful, even at twenty-six, and I thank you for every dollar you spent and every Ritalin bottle prescribed over the years to turn me into the man I am today. 

I have a best friend in my brother, Jonathan, a man that I know will be by my side until the end of time. Nothing brings me joy the way making him laugh does. He’s been my best audience since I could speak, and nobody is on my team more than he is. Jonno, you’re a genius, and nobody but for Drake, Rihanna, and Steve Jobs had it all figured out by 24. In due time. While you’re figuring it out, let’s keep laughing, singing, and wearing silly hats. Love you, naked juice! 

I am thankful for each and every one of you that reblog my work, retweet my Twitter madness, “like” my facebook posts, share my blog with your friends, and make me feel that I’m not just writing into the ether. As a writer, all you can ask for is a reader. I am forever indebted to each and every one of you. 

Happy Holidays! Mazel Tov! Merry Christmas! Feliz Navidad. Give thanks! Be Happy! 

And finally, to all you weary Lakers fans out there…

LET’S ALL GO H.A.M. in 2012!!!