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Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess.

Forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man wants you to know that he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City.

Copyright 2009-2011 BlackBerry Jew Squeeze

Looky how fucking cute I was in the second grade. Even then I didn’t have eyelids (and when I chib aka smoke weed aka smoke my fucking face off you can’t even tell that I’m awake).  On the right is my bestie Jon Seaton.  He’s a champ chimp.  Who knew that we would grow up to do great things.  I work at a major motion pitchtah factory, and he finished up a stint for Jeff Koonz (that’s not racist). This kid was doing blotter acid and E in the 8th grade.  He makes DRUGS in Outside Providence look like a bitch.  He makes Jimi Hendrix look like a normal person.  Don’t get me wrong, Jon is a wonderful addition to society, but I bet the inside of his head looks like a wedge of Swiss cheese. Anyway, this was Taken on Flag Day.  This was before 9/10 and Sarah Palin.  JUST KIDDIN’ DURRR it was 9/11. NEVA FORGET EVA. If I had a dollar for every time we got high in high school and housed a 12er of Krispy Kremes I’d be as dead as Anna Nicole Smith Jarryd. I DEDICATE THIS POST TO MRS. FEITELBERG WHO DIAGNOSED ME WITH CHILDHOOD ADHD, THE CUNT!

Looky how fucking cute I was in the second grade. Even then I didn’t have eyelids (and when I chib aka smoke weed aka smoke my fucking face off you can’t even tell that I’m awake).  On the right is my bestie Jon Seaton.  He’s a champ chimp.  Who knew that we would grow up to do great things.  I work at a major motion pitchtah factory, and he finished up a stint for Jeff Koonz (that’s not racist).

This kid was doing blotter acid and E in the 8th grade.  He makes DRUGS in Outside Providence look like a bitch.  He makes Jimi Hendrix look like a normal person.  Don’t get me wrong, Jon is a wonderful addition to society, but I bet the inside of his head looks like a wedge of Swiss cheese.

Anyway, this was Taken on Flag Day.  This was before 9/10 and Sarah Palin.  JUST KIDDIN’ DURRR it was 9/11. NEVA FORGET EVA.

If I had a dollar for every time we got high in high school and housed a 12er of Krispy Kremes I’d be as dead as Anna Nicole Smith Jarryd.

I DEDICATE THIS POST TO MRS. FEITELBERG WHO DIAGNOSED ME WITH CHILDHOOD ADHD, THE CUNT!


November 19
school kids growing up

Heartbreaker

Last night I think I had a breakthrough moment where I sort of grew up. Earlier in the evening I had a very upset girl tell me what a piece of shit I am, and that I will never feel for her the way she does for me. Later on in the evening, a girl asked me why I didn’t attack her sexually, and was something wrong with me?

In these times, these trying terrible twenties, I feel the need to do me, and I don’t mean masturbate. I mean focus on my own peace of mind, where I’m at in life, and more important, where I want to go. It’s difficult for people to differentiate between the me that is the dude doing schtick and the dude with real human emotions, wants and needs. I don’t walk around all day with a boner thinking of what girl I will skin alive sexually. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t.

I have a job, bills to pay, a house to care for and concerns other than where I will put my penis. I don’t want to get overly-involved with anyone (save for Kristen Stewart — she was so cute on Leno, harumph!) because truly, I will never be able to reciprocate the attention and love they give me at this current juncture in my life. I’m not in college anymore. I don’t feel the need to fuck girls for the sake of fucking girls. If I’m comfortable with someone and it happens naturally, fabulous. Otherwise, I think I’ll be just fine with YouJizz.com for the time being. Don’t get me wrong, come Friday and Saturday me and mah dawgs go out hounding cunt, but it never really pans out the way it did in say, Saturday Night Fever. It’s really just something to do to help us forget the horrible work-week we just survived.

Let me let you guys in on another secret: my high school sweetheart got engaged this week! To quote John Cusack in High Fidelity, “ALISON MARRIED KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!” Or, as my mother put it, “I’ve been dreading this day since you were seventeen.”  It’s kind of incredible.  I’m super happy for this babe in question. She deserves someone that will take care of her for all of eternity. My only hope is that it lasts. Because otherwise, I’m gonna pull what one friend called, “A Wayne Campbell.”  Homeboy obviously never saw the original Graduate. If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, I’ll be “on the next flight, can I make it damn right, paying cash, first class, sitting next to Vana White.” Who knew Nelly was so prolific? E.I., E.I. Uh oh?

To conclude: not all of us are engaged. Some of us are still just 25 year old boys who like Henry’s Tacos, spliffs, and a nice tush every once in a while. That’s all I know right now. But even that I know that, and can formulate that into a sentence, puts me way ahead of the curve.

Heartbreaker, you got the best of me. Oh whhhhyyyy, did you have to run your game on me? I should’ve known right from the start you’d go and break my heart.

Gimme ya’ love.

Gimme ya’ love.

Gimme ya’ love.

[Insert Jay-Z’s flow here about being in the Cuzzi, and rubbing up in the movies.]


March 11
growing up