AN OPEN LETTER TO NBC/PLANET EARTH by CONAN

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I
want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second
feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I
love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky.
That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my
bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight
Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson
every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant
everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed
up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally
hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the
future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would
have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of
ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting
audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months,
with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their
terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their
long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight
Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years
the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I
sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to
accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider
to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight
Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move
I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David
Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot.
That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be
unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy
hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is
for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably
hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The
Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its
destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the
Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I
believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set
the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have
no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this
quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of,
for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair;
it’s always been that way.

Yours,
Conan

A Thank You Letter to Conan O’Brien

When I was a little boy Jay Leno

My mother tells me that on our very first night home from the hospital we watched The Johnny Carson Show together. I watched from a baby basinet, my eyes transfixed to the screen. Mom also tells me that I shut the fuck up and stopped crying as soon as he came on the television.

Years later I would be a thirteen, fourteen, fifteen year old boy doing his Math homework late at night with the TV on, NBC specifically.  For a while, I thought Jay Leno’s “Headlines” section was pretty fuckin’ hilarious, the goofy last-named married couple section specifically.  I also really enjoyed Kevin Eubanks. I mean really, who doesn’t want a black sidekick that fucking shreds axe? And don’t even get me started on Smitty — that homie can wail!

One day I turned sixteen and got a driver’s license, which meant I could now cruise the streets of LA in search of pussy all night long as long as I called my parents to let them know I wasn’t dead, or worse, in jail. I started staying out later. I started staying up later.  I started learning what was good in the world. I don’t remember when, but sometime around this period in my life I fell in love with a goofy, lanky, tall-as-fuck red-haired genius who used to write for THE SIMPSONS. His name was Conan O’Brien and I would eventually end up living in his hometown all throughout college (Brookline, MA — whatttup?) Over the years I would fall asleep with Conan nearly four/five nights a week laughing aloud to my bedspread.  From making fun of his horn section, La Bamba in particular, to the masturbating bear and Max Weinberg, I had truly found my hero. See, I wanted to be Conan O’Brien. I still do. I perform stand-up from time to time, write this here blog, write TV shows, host my own Facebook Talk Show, all in the name of hopefully someday filling his shoes and having my own Talk Show. I know it’s a long shot, but if I’ve learned anything from Conan, it’s that you can really do anything. You think he ever thought he’d be broadcasting to millions of Americans as a tall, lanky, goofy red-haired guy in his younger years? I don’t think so. He wrote, and wrote and wrote some more. There’s only one way to greatness and greatness is the way.

I guess what I’m trying to say is Thank You, Conan. Thank you for not only making me piss my pajama pants on a nightly basis, but for also ingraining the idea in my brain that I could do anything as an Al Franken looking Jew: get out of any trouble, get into any conversation, and bang any girl on the planet so long as I continue to make people laugh.

GO GET ‘EM TIGER! There’s a desk at Fox just waiting for you.

Watching Jay Leno’s Return to The Tonight Show

I wonder where Conan is, how he’s doing, and hoping he’s taking note never to invite Jamie Foxx on his program when he makes his triumphant return later this year.