http://www.blackberryjewsqueeze.com/

It’s almost Thursday Friday. This is how I plan on getting...

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:41:00 -0800

It’s almost Thursday Friday. This is how I plan on getting to your party: by way of Excellent Phone Booth.

Heartbreaker

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 15:01:00 -0800

Last night I think I had a breakthrough moment where I sort of grew up. Earlier in the evening I had a very upset girl tell me what a piece of shit I am, and that I will never feel for her the way she does for me. Later on in the evening, a girl asked me why I didn’t attack her sexually, and was something wrong with me?

In these times, these trying terrible twenties, I feel the need to do me, and I don’t mean masturbate. I mean focus on my own peace of mind, where I’m at in life, and more important, where I want to go. It’s difficult for people to differentiate between the me that is the dude doing schtick and the dude with real human emotions, wants and needs. I don’t walk around all day with a boner thinking of what girl I will skin alive sexually. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t.

I have a job, bills to pay, a house to care for and concerns other than where I will put my penis. I don’t want to get overly-involved with anyone (save for Kristen Stewart — she was so cute on Leno, harumph!) because truly, I will never be able to reciprocate the attention and love they give me at this current juncture in my life. I’m not in college anymore. I don’t feel the need to fuck girls for the sake of fucking girls. If I’m comfortable with someone and it happens naturally, fabulous. Otherwise, I think I’ll be just fine with YouJizz.com for the time being. Don’t get me wrong, come Friday and Saturday me and mah dawgs go out hounding cunt, but it never really pans out the way it did in say, Saturday Night Fever. It’s really just something to do to help us forget the horrible work-week we just survived.

Let me let you guys in on another secret: my high school sweetheart got engaged this week! To quote John Cusack in High Fidelity, “ALISON MARRIED KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!” Or, as my mother put it, “I’ve been dreading this day since you were seventeen.” It’s kind of incredible. I’m super happy for this babe in question. She deserves someone that will take care of her for all of eternity. My only hope is that it lasts. Because otherwise, I’m gonna pull what one friend called, “A Wayne Campbell.” Homeboy obviously never saw the original Graduate. If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, I’ll be “on the next flight, can I make it damn right, paying cash, first class, sitting next to Vana White.” Who knew Nelly was so prolific? E.I., E.I. Uh oh?

To conclude: not all of us are engaged. Some of us are still just 25 year old boys who like Henry’s Tacos, spliffs, and a nice tush every once in a while. That’s all I know right now. But even that I know that, and can formulate that into a sentence, puts me way ahead of the curve.

Heartbreaker, you got the best of me. Oh whhhhyyyy, did you have to run your game on me? I should’ve known right from the start you’d go and break my heart.

Gimme ya’ love.

[Insert Jay-Z’s flow here about being in the Cuzzi, and rubbing up in the movies.]

fuckyeah007: They don’t make em like they used to....

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:43:27 -0800

fuckyeah007:

They don’t make em like they used to. Bathing suits or women.

Ugh! This is exactly the same thing I wear when I fly. Get your...

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 10:07:58 -0800

Ugh! This is exactly the same thing I wear when I fly. Get your own sense of style, bitch. This is my JFK outfit.

Eclipse trailer Who wants to get back on the Twilight train?!...

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 09:32:59 -0800

Eclipse trailer

Who wants to get back on the Twilight train?! Toot toot! Comin’ in for a stop at bazillion dollar box office! I know Bella will end up with Edward, but I wonder what happens to Jacob. Does he go Rogue like Sarah Palin and end up with a twisted stripper from Des Moines? I mean, duh, he’s gonna lose to Pattinson…his wang sparkles!!

Anyway, enjoy this. Good morning!

To start this little blog‐ette off on a non‐self absorbed note,...

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:58:00 -0800

To start this little blog‐ette off on a non‐self absorbed note, I decided to conduct a little poll amongst all the fantastic ladies in my life so I could get a little perspective on whether or not I know anything about my own sex. All of the women interviewed are babes, trust me (or Matt), all of them are college educated, and the majority of them are not that slutty! (Slutty enough to be fun, but reserved enough to make everything about them mysterious except their last std test results‐ siempre negatory!)

What did I discover? Exactly what I already knew from experience (and hopefully what a lot of you boys know already too!): Dudes, you ALL have a shot! With all of us! Basically you have to have 3 things going on initially to wiggle your way into our considerations, and just a teensy bit extra to wiggle your way into our innards. First question: What are three things you look for in a dude?

Top 3 contenders by FAR (in order)

1. Sense of humor (included in this: good laugh, thinks I’m funny too, isn’t easily offended)

2. Confidence (the combo of humor+confidence is unbelievably powerful. A veritable roofie to our sensibilities, it will basically make us weak for even the most Shrek‐like contenders)

3. Good shoes (as one classy dame put it: “No FUCKING tevas.”

Runners up came in two categories: skanky and sweet.

Skanky:

‐great head

‐large peen

‐gets rough without asking. (Mee‐yow. That’s a good one.)

Sweet:

‐glasses

‐passionate

‐nice smile

‐remembers things we talked about and brings them up in later conversations

See?! We’re not that tough to understand!! We’re not asking you to be some unbelievably romantic sex god! I mean, number THREE was good SHOES?! How hard is that? Get yourself to Sportie L.A., kiddo!! We just want you to make us laugh, like yourself enough to convince us that we should probably like you too, and go down on us. If that’s too much to ask, then good luck homeboy…

I also asked the girls to describe their ‘dealbreakers,’ how dudes who weren’t initially their type eventually swooned them, what they think guys are incapable of understanding, what they’re incapable of understanding about guyzzz…and other various girly girly vagchat topics…can you hardly wait for the next installment??

Is this shit not fascinating?! I’m sure you savvy dudes already know whats up, but still!! Remember in junior high when someone asked “If you could be a chick for 24 hours, what would you do? And you said girltalk at a drunken slumber party for an hour and then masturbate for the next 23?!” Well, I’m giving away all our damn secrets! I’m gonna let you be that fly on the wall in our girltalk, I’m gonna let you vicariously chick‐sturbate!!! This is epic! The male‐female gap is closing as we speak!!! We’re all gonna understand eachother perfectly and everyones gonna have the most unbelievable orgasms and there will be no more fighting or teen pregnancies or earthquakes or anything!!!

BlackberryJewSqueeze saves the world!

— Molly

Don Henley - End Of The Innocence For all my dawgs crushing the...

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 17:47:15 -0800

Don Henley - End Of The Innocence

For all my dawgs crushing the office today.

Squeeze this Jews hard and good.

Bitte Orca Contra Post Pavillion Tony Alva is the original...

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:37:45 -0800

Bitte Orca Contra Post Pavillion

Tony Alva is the original hipster. Lest we forget, bra.

Photo

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 10:27:25 -0800

fuckyeahlakers: Last night’s game winning shot was pretty...

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 10:18:18 -0800

fuckyeahlakers:

Last night’s game winning shot was pretty baller, not gonna lie. Also, my game winning shot against Jason in our driveway on Monday night was also pretty epic.

How To Make a Ke$ha

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:14:11 -0800

How To Make a Ke$ha:

So happy to share this with you. Click the link above!

Photo

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:29:37 -0800

fuckyeahjewish: Check out the above link!

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:29:11 -0800

fuckyeahjewish:

Check out the above link!

Skateboards. Babes. It’s the little things.

Tue, 09 Mar 2010 22:28:10 -0800

Skateboards.

Babes.

It’s the little things.

MEET MOLLY!

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:33:57 -0800

Name: Molly aka Mollo Occupation: Failed actor Ideal Man:...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 19:46:00 -0800

Name: Molly aka Mollo

Occupation: Failed actor

Ideal Man: Nick Swardson meets Nick Cave meets Officer Candidate Zack Mayo…preferably wearing Vans.

Turn Ons: Whiskey, dirty humor, chivalry, aggressiveness…

Turn Offs: Silence at breakfast, anger, ‘jam bands’…

Song that always makes me feel girly/romantic/nostalgic/swoony: “Dark End of the Street,”-Percy Sledge

Embarrassing confession: I listen to dirty rap when I work out and pretend I’m the girl in the rap song. It makes feel like if I work out hard enough, then maybe one day I’ll have a body worthy of thug love.

Relation to Sir MJH:

Oh boy. Where to begin. When I think of Matt these are the first memories that come to mind:

1) Matt attempting to use the “if you can make them laugh you can make them yours” approach to getting chicks by regaling a group of my high school girlfriends with an adorable story about his mom spreading antifungal cream on his butthole or something like that. Really, who doesn’t swoon picturing their crush spreading his cheeks for his mommy? EPIC FAIL.

2) Matt, post breakup with his dreamgirl, showing up to a house party with “You’re just somebody that I used to know” scrawled in huge letters in Sharpie around his wrist. Poor Elliott Smith. All the beauty of his simple, sad, and haunting lyrics… swirling about in your mopey armhair while you lifted another keystone to your lips, drowning away the devastating sorrow you felt over a girl you would undoubtedly be back together with by the end of the night, slowly romancing to “Wild Horses.” Ugh, barf.

3) Matt sitting on a curb outside some bar on Sunset, telling me (while he hung his head between his knees) that he had written a novel, a-la Brett Easton Ellis, about growing up in L.A., girls, and cocaine, and he wanted me to read it. He said he wanted my opinion because I’ve read enough Didion to “get it”…but he didn’t really need my opinion because he already knew it was “fucking genius.” Then he started puking. EPIC EGO. By the way, you optioned that genius yet?

In all truth I love Matt Hausy with all my heart. He always writes the sweetest birthday cards, makes girls feel pretty, tries to give me good advice, and is as loyal as they come. He is also a disgusting pig and needs to get punched in the face a lot of the time. That being said, this blog of his needs a lot of help. It is unbelievably masturbatory (literally) and there is not one shred of female opinion anywhere in it, though there is an overabundance of opinion on females.

Matt, you claim to be so enthralled with the mystery that lies behind sex and relationships. However, where most blogs interview others, post stories written by others, ask the opinions of OTHERS, yours is entirely based on you, your thoughts, your opinions, and your semen. How are you ever gonna figure out the things you can’t understand on your own if you never look outward for answers? Woah, I’m getting heavy here…can you dig it?

I’m here to help. I want to try to clue you into the fascinating opinions and stories that exist in the minds and hearts of other people, which you’d be privy to if you could force yourself to be interested in anything but your own boner for 30 seconds. Maybe you will learn what you’ve been trying to figure out, maybe you will just get some great footage for your spank bank. Either way, how ‘bout we get some estrogen flowing in this Squeeze?

How did I ever miss this opportunity? Gosh! I totally shit the...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:35:21 -0800

How did I ever miss this opportunity? Gosh! I totally shit the bed. I blogged about this before, but the video is just now coming out. Geez, I feel like I did the first time I heard Kanye’s “Graduation.” I’m nervous it’ll suck, but I know it will be great! Oooh, the anticipation! I hope he’s a keeper!!

(**Note: To all of you girls who think I am bagging on Whitney. I’m not. She’s super gorgeous and nice and shit. I would totally do her. I’d even take her to dinner first. We bounced on a trampoline years ago at the Scapa house in the eighth grade. She was hot even then. I’m not trashing Whitney, girl does her thing. However, I AM making of fun of the goofy marketing, the producing, the entire existence of the medium in which props these girls up [Whit Whit included]). Boy, is this silly.

Here are my thoughts on your date, Whitney:

Why did you pick Patrick? You could’ve just called Spencer Pratt. The guy is his twin.
Coffee is not a fucking date. Maybe if you’re in a fucking Rom Com, or perhaps an Ethan Hawke drama, but not in real life. Maybe on the CITAAY.
Epic whip cream close-up time lapse. A+ producing.
How have you never done Karaoke, Whitney? It’s lip-syncing and pretending to know what you’re saying. It’s basically The Hills with a backbeat and Asian people re-enacting shitty music videos.
Wait, he’s GAY?! Looks like HE’S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE!
How the fuck did they get all that vid and sound equipment into your Ford Focus?!

(Look, babe, it’s your job to make money by exploiting the youth of easily brainwashable girls all over the country. It’s my job to make fun of you for doing so).

The Inglorious Death of Miramax (Business Week)

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:59:51 -0800

The Inglorious Death of Miramax (Business Week):

I’m reading this now. Glad to see the Basterds in good spirits last night. QT will forever be the Mickey Mouse to Harvey’s Walt Disney, no matter what company the Weinsteins take over, nor what said company is named.

Hey, Academy….gimme 2….GIMME 2 (Oscars…for...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:16:36 -0800

Hey, Academy….gimme 2….GIMME 2

(Oscars…for Best Director and Best Picture) YAY KATHERINE BIGELOW. Iv’e been saying this cunt could direct since the early 90’s. Glad teh Academy finally agrees with me.

soupsoup: DJ Shadow : Building Steam With A Grain Of...

Mon, 08 Mar 2010 10:42:50 -0800

soupsoup:

DJ Shadow : Building Steam With A Grain Of Salt

My fave DJ Shadow song. Ever.