You know how Ke¢ha wakes up in the morning feelin’... -

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Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess.

Forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man wants you to know that he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City.

Copyright 2009-2011 BlackBerry Jew Squeeze

You know how Ke¢ha wakes up in the morning feelin’ like P. Diddy? Brushes her teeth con Jack and then hits the city? Well, squeezes, I wake up in the morning feeling like this guy, glasses, tapered jeans, faggy tendencies and all. If you do not own any Smiths records, here is a handy guide for you so you sound culturally in-the-know at the next gallery opening in Chelsea.  Morrisey has to be one of my heros. In college I read an interview with him in SPIN magazine. Full disclosure: this was before it sucked and went the way of Rolling Stone — which, by the way, has just done their sixth cover for EXILE ON MAIN STREET. We get it, Jann Wenner. WE GET IT. The Stones recorded Exile in a basement in the south of France in the early 70’s and everyone did drugs and fucked each other’s lovers. They basically re-invented swaggy blues-rock along with Led Zeppelin. Can we move on now? Your publication is about as relevant as Omarosa. ANYWAY, let’s get back to Morrisey. The man is a style icon. Simplicity over substance. Style without consequence. He is the ANTI-Gaga. He wears what he digs, and that’s the only way to live. His art is in his music, not whatever costume he has put together for the evening. Morissey definitely contemplated his outfits, though. “I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear…” Heavily influenced by the work of Oscar Wilde, Morrisey has created some of the most poetic, complex, and confusing lyrics of all time. Most tunes are about a lover — be it man or woman — and I think that’s why people gravitate towards the SMITHS. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, bi, high, man or woman…as long as you have a set of ears, you too can enjoy. I realize that most of you guys only listen to Holy Ghost, Drake, and your Cantor when your parents force you to go to temple (which is Jewish for Church). Here’s a step-by-step guide to the Smiths discography because frankly, Holy Ghost has the same shelf life as Boar’s Head turkey.  1) The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead: *(must own). Start with this record. It’s incredible from front to back, and is some of the most melodic guitar tunes I’ve ever heard. Shout-out to Johnny Marr, with whom Morrisey wrote all these tunes with. Sadly, Marr sold-out to be in MODEST MOUSE, of all fucking bands, a few years ago. “We all float on” I guess, some of us will simply float to shittier rafts bands. I listen to The Queen is Dead on all road-trips, add it to all party mixes, and also listen to it when I haven been brutally rebuffed (yes, that’s a CLUELESS reference) by a girl. I guess the guy understands pain in a way my friends don’t. “Big Mouth Strikes Again” is probably the song I most identify with. Yup, cuz I’m a yenta with a penis. 2) The Smiths - Hatful of Hallow: Technically a compilation. Many of you will recognize the song “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want,” or at the very least, it’s melody. This is because John Hughes used the tune in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when they visit the Museum and hold hands with children and look at paintings. It’s a coming of age tune, no doubt. Pine over a loved one to this with a glass of wine. It’ll set you free. “How Soon is Now”/”William, It Was Really Nothing”/”Back To The Old House”/”What Difference Does It Make.” You can’t go wrong. 3) The Smiths - Meat Is Murder: A Lot of people LOVE LOVE LOVE this record, but it’s not my favorite. It’s great, don’t get me wrong, I just have a harder time with it than I did other albums. I do love the song “The Headmaster Ritual.” I used to tool around Boston in my cah, spliff in hand and not a care in the world. But, as the Mozzer would say, since I’ve become employed, “Heaven knows I’m Miserable Now.” 4) The Smiths - Strangeways Here We Come: My favorite Smiths song of all time (next to “Big Mouth Strikes Again”) is on this record. It’s called “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before.” It’s wonderful. It builds. It climaxes and I come. This was the fourth and final Smiths studio album, released in the fall of 1987. I’ll tell you a secret, I just realized I don’t own it in completion, so I’m going to buy it this afternoon.  5) The Smiths - Self-Titled: This is the first Smiths record. It debuted in 1984, just five days after my birthday. “Hand In Glove” was one of the first Smiths singles released, and it’s definitely hit a nerve with the UK youth. In fact, I read a book called “How Soon is Never” by Marc Spitz (a one-time writer for SPIN) about a fictional character who thinks he can save the world if he reunites the Smiths. In the fictionalized version of the story, this was the first single to be released. I should check. Either way, this is what started it all.  Morrisey, whatever your real name is. I love you. Thank you.

You know how Ke¢ha wakes up in the morning feelin’ like P. Diddy? Brushes her teeth con Jack and then hits the city? Well, squeezes, I wake up in the morning feeling like this guy, glasses, tapered jeans, faggy tendencies and all. If you do not own any Smiths records, here is a handy guide for you so you sound culturally in-the-know at the next gallery opening in Chelsea. 

Morrisey has to be one of my heros. In college I read an interview with him in SPIN magazine. Full disclosure: this was before it sucked and went the way of Rolling Stone — which, by the way, has just done their sixth cover for EXILE ON MAIN STREET. We get it, Jann Wenner. WE GET IT. The Stones recorded Exile in a basement in the south of France in the early 70’s and everyone did drugs and fucked each other’s lovers. They basically re-invented swaggy blues-rock along with Led Zeppelin. Can we move on now? Your publication is about as relevant as Omarosa.

ANYWAY, let’s get back to Morrisey. The man is a style icon. Simplicity over substance. Style without consequence. He is the ANTI-Gaga. He wears what he digs, and that’s the only way to live. His art is in his music, not whatever costume he has put together for the evening.

Morissey definitely contemplated his outfits, though. “I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear…” Heavily influenced by the work of Oscar Wilde, Morrisey has created some of the most poetic, complex, and confusing lyrics of all time. Most tunes are about a lover — be it man or woman — and I think that’s why people gravitate towards the SMITHS. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, bi, high, man or woman…as long as you have a set of ears, you too can enjoy.

I realize that most of you guys only listen to Holy Ghost, Drake, and your Cantor when your parents force you to go to temple (which is Jewish for Church). Here’s a step-by-step guide to the Smiths discography because frankly, Holy Ghost has the same shelf life as Boar’s Head turkey. 

1) The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead: *(must own). Start with this record. It’s incredible from front to back, and is some of the most melodic guitar tunes I’ve ever heard. Shout-out to Johnny Marr, with whom Morrisey wrote all these tunes with. Sadly, Marr sold-out to be in MODEST MOUSE, of all fucking bands, a few years ago. “We all float on” I guess, some of us will simply float to shittier rafts bands. I listen to The Queen is Dead on all road-trips, add it to all party mixes, and also listen to it when I haven been brutally rebuffed (yes, that’s a CLUELESS reference) by a girl. I guess the guy understands pain in a way my friends don’t. “Big Mouth Strikes Again” is probably the song I most identify with. Yup, cuz I’m a yenta with a penis.

2) The Smiths - Hatful of Hallow: Technically a compilation. Many of you will recognize the song “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want,” or at the very least, it’s melody. This is because John Hughes used the tune in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when they visit the Museum and hold hands with children and look at paintings. It’s a coming of age tune, no doubt. Pine over a loved one to this with a glass of wine. It’ll set you free. “How Soon is Now”/”William, It Was Really Nothing”/”Back To The Old House”/”What Difference Does It Make.” You can’t go wrong.

3) The Smiths - Meat Is Murder: A Lot of people LOVE LOVE LOVE this record, but it’s not my favorite. It’s great, don’t get me wrong, I just have a harder time with it than I did other albums. I do love the song “The Headmaster Ritual.” I used to tool around Boston in my cah, spliff in hand and not a care in the world. But, as the Mozzer would say, since I’ve become employed, “Heaven knows I’m Miserable Now.”

4) The Smiths - Strangeways Here We Come: My favorite Smiths song of all time (next to “Big Mouth Strikes Again”) is on this record. It’s called “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before.” It’s wonderful. It builds. It climaxes and I come. This was the fourth and final Smiths studio album, released in the fall of 1987. I’ll tell you a secret, I just realized I don’t own it in completion, so I’m going to buy it this afternoon. 

5) The Smiths - Self-Titled: This is the first Smiths record. It debuted in 1984, just five days after my birthday. “Hand In Glove” was one of the first Smiths singles released, and it’s definitely hit a nerve with the UK youth. In fact, I read a book called “How Soon is Never” by Marc Spitz (a one-time writer for SPIN) about a fictional character who thinks he can save the world if he reunites the Smiths. In the fictionalized version of the story, this was the first single to be released. I should check. Either way, this is what started it all. 

Morrisey, whatever your real name is. I love you. Thank you.


May 12
morrisey the smiths
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