Hiya.
Hey boyz. Yall are funny. In the next installment of smart chicky birds explaining themselves, the question was…
What boggles your mind in regards to dudes?! What do you feel incapable of understanding about dudes?
We ladies are responsible for the mystery behind our coquettishness, how it is we can make our lips look so damn luscious with some simple paint, how we straddle that line between silly and sexy so delicately that you can think of nothing else when we’re around but how bad you want us to straddle your line…now. Here’s what girls said they find mysterious about YOU.
1. how inept they are at understanding women’s capability to multi-task
2. I don’t think I’ll ever accept that (most) guys are terrible at making plans
3. why they act like they like me, a lot, and then eventually admit that they never really did. What the fuck was all that show about then?!
4. their emotions-they seem so clear and predictable, and then suddenly they’ll come out with a profound emotional statement and i’m thinkin’ “really? you feel those things?!”
5. why they, since 8th grade, have acted one way in front of me and another way in front of ‘their boys.’ Even on the phone! I’m always blown away by when we’re cuddling and having pillow talk and his cell rings and he picks it up and its, “whatuup, cuuuuz”
6. the jock itch
7. farting. And why they think its ok to do in front of me. Cuz, for real, its not.
8. why they pee all over the seat and don’t wipe it off.
9. how they can literally plow through hoes, and then expect one day to have virginal, beautiful, intelligent mrs. perfect fall into their lap. like, how they just think their wife is just going to fall gracefully into their arms one day
10. why they think its cool to slut around themselves, the more chicks the better (even the nastiest ones!! With no regrets!!) and then the second we get into my “number” or whatever, they freak out, as if I was wearing a chastity belt until we met. Its 2010 homie. Grow up.
So the mystery remains. It appears your most mysterious qualities are…
1. The show you put on, either in initial stages of dating, general hiding of your emotions, or changing your voice on the phone. Whats with the personality switches? That don’t show no confidence bro bro. listen to HOV.
“no matter where you go you are what you are playa/And you can try to change but that’s just the top layer/Man, you was who you was ‘fore you got here!!!”
…and that’s how he got the hottest chick in the game wearin his chain.
2. Hygiene! Once again. Be a sweetie. Wipe the pee off the seat. Stifle your farties. Keep your balls dry.
3. As usual, your promiscuity blows the mind. I’m happy to report that ‘trashdick’ is working its way into common vernacular. Soon enough, it’ll be replacing pimp, just like slut replaced ‘sexually confident woman.’ WATCHOUTNOW
We don’t want you to change who you are. We don’t want you to be perfect. We just want you to be yourself, with a little extra care. Just like you want from us, right? If you could maaaaybe just think a second longer before you add another one night stand to your list, or if you could just spritz a little citrus magic when we’re about to use your b-room, that’d be rad.
There’s a huge difference between what boys do that make us say “That guy is so…mysterious!” and what guys do that make us say “That guy is so…disgusting!” Send a sweet text but blow us off? Not mysterious, actually, very off-putting…asshole. Allude to something interesting about yourself, but don’t take over the conversation with pretentious self-praise? Actually ask us what we’re about, and remember what we said?! That’s mind-blowing. That’s sexy as hell. And that’s SO EASY TO DO.
At the end of the day, we know boys are boys. But look around these days…we’re in the midst of a sexual recession!! Don’t you want to come out on top when this whole thing blows over? When all your buddies start getting married and finding their dream woman…do you want to be Bear Stearns, all drunk and fat at their wedding, trying to get down with a delicious bridesmaid?
Aint gonna happen then if you don’t start workin on it now.
Xoxo,
Molly.
p.s. the mystery of that burger in the photo is that it’s actually a burger-shaped cupcake!!
