How did I ever miss this opportunity? Gosh! I... -

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Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess/sport-fucking buddy. His father, a St. Louis cowboy at heart, reined him in as a child, only having to wash out his mouth with soap once during his early years.

Single, forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man finds himself thoroughly concerned with finding a wife, but more importantly, a bitch to lay with in the meantime.

Oh, and he wants me to tell you he he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City back in '01.

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How did I ever miss this opportunity? Gosh! I totally shit the bed. I blogged about this before, but the video is just now coming out. Geez, I feel like I did the first time I heard Kanye’s “Graduation.” I’m nervous it’ll suck, but I know it will be great! Oooh, the anticipation! I hope he’s a keeper!!

(**Note: To all of you girls who think I am bagging on Whitney. I’m not. She’s super gorgeous and nice and shit. I would totally do her. I’d even take her to dinner first. We bounced on a trampoline years ago at the Scapa house in the eighth grade. She was hot even then. I’m not trashing Whitney, girl does her thing. However, I AM making of fun of the goofy marketing, the producing, the entire existence of the medium in which props these girls up [Whit Whit included]). Boy, is this silly.

Here are my thoughts on your date, Whitney:

Why did you pick Patrick? You could’ve just called Spencer Pratt. The guy is his twin.
Coffee is not a fucking date. Maybe if you’re in a fucking Rom Com, or perhaps an Ethan Hawke drama, but not in real life. Maybe on the CITAAY.
Epic whip cream close-up time lapse. A+ producing.
How have you never done Karaoke, Whitney? It’s lip-syncing and pretending to know what you’re saying. It’s basically The Hills with a backbeat and Asian people re-enacting shitty music videos.
Wait, he’s GAY?! Looks like HE’S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE!
How the fuck did they get all that vid and sound equipment into your Ford Focus?!

(Look, babe, it’s your job to make money by exploiting the youth of easily brainwashable girls all over the country. It’s my job to make fun of you for doing so).

March 8

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