Dear World: Kristen fucks Rob. Deal with it. ... -

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Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess/sport-fucking buddy. His father, a St. Louis cowboy at heart, reined him in as a child, only having to wash out his mouth with soap once during his early years.

Single, forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man finds himself thoroughly concerned with finding a wife, but more importantly, a bitch to lay with in the meantime.

Oh, and he wants me to tell you he he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City back in '01.

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Dear World:

Kristen fucks Rob.

Deal with it.

You will only get her when Twilight is thought of as we think of Lost Boys now (a joke).

They’re so cute together I’m not even jealous. Today while looking at pictures of her I realized where this obsession comes from: I’ve known her since I was 5. We didn’t ever talk on the phone, or have a play date…but she looks way too familiar to me not to have been from my past. I live in L.A. It’s highly plausible. Maybe we had an after school snack togeth by accident at Penguins? I used to play in AYSO with Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal. I saw Steve Urkel on a chairlift in Mammoth. I parked Jim Carrey’s car once. The point is: K Stew…and I …have a deeply emotional connection that can only be expressed through the work of Nick Cave and Joni Mithcell.

Matthew

March 1

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