REAL TALK on HomoSexuality: For a long time I... -

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Ask me shit! About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess.

Forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man wants you to know that he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City.

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REAL TALK on HomoSexuality: For a long time I thought that maybe I could’ve been gay. It was never an afterthought of looking at a man and going “wow…I would love to suck that cock,” or even, “I wonder what he looks like naked.” That’s not how it went down. The truth is, I love dancing, I love shopping, I love a lot of things that one might define as “feminine.” I have a very close relationship with my mother. I love Sex And The City. Sometimes after seeing a Broadway show I wished that was my life — dancing and performing day after day without stopping. The real reason I ever thought I might’ve been gay is because I was nearly molested by another camper at sleep away camp when I was 12 years old. And by nearly I mean I was caught naked masturbating while everyone was at the 4th of July Fair and in an effort to “fool around” the male camper who caught me tried to blackmail me into going down on him.  AGAIN I WAS 12! I hadn’t even kissed a girl let alone suck a dick. Even thought I never touched that kid Michael and he never touched me, it struck the fear of G-d in me that I could have such a horrible experience. For the next five years I I prayed that I would forget this day forever and ever. It’s very easy for me to joke about it now, but for a long time it was the bane of my existence.  I thought that maybe this was G-ds way of telling me, “dude…you’re gay…go with it.” I finally told my mom about it years later. Yes, I’ve slept with many girls and had successful relationships and am totally comfortable with my sexuality. In fact, one of the things I absolutely love about the way I was made is that I have the ability to be so into these feminine things like shopping and dancing without a care in the world.  You know why? Because after I finish trying on one of these THEORY v-neck I’ll eat your sister’s pussy and call her a whore (just kidding).  Yes, I am manly. Yes, I could beat someone up in a fight. Yes, I know how to change a tire, protect a woman, etc etc. Furthermore, if I had a dollar for every time a SATC reference got me laid, or by being able to identify a piece of female clothing, I’d be as rich as Jake Gyllenhall. I guess what I’m trying to say is that BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN will forever remain in my mind as one of my all time favorite pieces of cinema because not only is it visually stunning, but it perfectly exhibits the great lengths we as human beings go to hide our true identities. It struck me. Whether that be gay, straight, a drunk, broke, White, Black, or cancer-ridden, we are what we are. Some of us have a harder time being honest with ourselves and those around us (like Ennis and Jack Twist), but for the most part, you can’t fake the funk. Be what you are; wear what you dig; be proud of the weirdo music you love; fuck who you’re attracted to and forget all about societal norms. Nothing is normal. Everyone is gay. Everyone is straight. What I am: a very open minded, wild, girl-crazy boy who has is eye on the prize of finding a soulmate in the shape of Anna Kendrick, ScarJo, or Alanis Morisette. But to answer your question, I had sex last night. And It was phenomenal. And yes, it was with a girl.  Schtupped to 500 Days of Summer…great sex movie.

REAL TALK on HomoSexuality:

For a long time I thought that maybe I could’ve been gay. It was never an afterthought of looking at a man and going “wow…I would love to suck that cock,” or even, “I wonder what he looks like naked.”

That’s not how it went down. The truth is, I love dancing, I love shopping, I love a lot of things that one might define as “feminine.” I have a very close relationship with my mother. I love Sex And The City. Sometimes after seeing a Broadway show I wished that was my life — dancing and performing day after day without stopping.

The real reason I ever thought I might’ve been gay is because I was nearly molested by another camper at sleep away camp when I was 12 years old. And by nearly I mean I was caught naked masturbating while everyone was at the 4th of July Fair and in an effort to “fool around” the male camper who caught me tried to blackmail me into going down on him.  AGAIN I WAS 12! I hadn’t even kissed a girl let alone suck a dick. Even thought I never touched that kid Michael and he never touched me, it struck the fear of G-d in me that I could have such a horrible experience. For the next five years I I prayed that I would forget this day forever and ever. It’s very easy for me to joke about it now, but for a long time it was the bane of my existence.  I thought that maybe this was G-ds way of telling me, “dude…you’re gay…go with it.” I finally told my mom about it years later.

Yes, I’ve slept with many girls and had successful relationships and am totally comfortable with my sexuality. In fact, one of the things I absolutely love about the way I was made is that I have the ability to be so into these feminine things like shopping and dancing without a care in the world.  You know why? Because after I finish trying on one of these THEORY v-neck I’ll eat your sister’s pussy and call her a whore (just kidding).  Yes, I am manly. Yes, I could beat someone up in a fight. Yes, I know how to change a tire, protect a woman, etc etc. Furthermore, if I had a dollar for every time a SATC reference got me laid, or by being able to identify a piece of female clothing, I’d be as rich as Jake Gyllenhall.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN will forever remain in my mind as one of my all time favorite pieces of cinema because not only is it visually stunning, but it perfectly exhibits the great lengths we as human beings go to hide our true identities. It struck me. Whether that be gay, straight, a drunk, broke, White, Black, or cancer-ridden, we are what we are. Some of us have a harder time being honest with ourselves and those around us (like Ennis and Jack Twist), but for the most part, you can’t fake the funk. Be what you are; wear what you dig; be proud of the weirdo music you love; fuck who you’re attracted to and forget all about societal norms. Nothing is normal. Everyone is gay. Everyone is straight.

What I am: a very open minded, wild, girl-crazy boy who has is eye on the prize of finding a soulmate in the shape of Anna Kendrick, ScarJo, or Alanis Morisette.

But to answer your question, I had sex last night. And It was phenomenal. And yes, it was with a girl.  Schtupped to 500 Days of Summer…great sex movie.


January 29
brokeback mountain homosexual schtupped
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