The Oscars

Wow. Just wow. This year’s Oscars were so bad I fired my own agent.

I really hate to shit talk Annie and James, but it’s pretty hard to say the show was anything better than mediocre with a straight face. It was so overproduced and phony. I don’t remember thinking an awards show was this bad since MTV had the VMAs in Miami and had everyone arrive by yacht. 

Here are the highlights and lowlights of the event, in no particular order.

• Natalie Portman — you looked like an eggplant. I’m glad you finally got an Oscar. Maybe now you’ll stop crying in every single movie. I still think you should’ve gotten nom’d for NO STRINGS ATTACHED, but whatevs. 
• Gwenyth Paltrow — nice nude colored gown. Very classy.
• Colin Firth — be more British. Seriously. I’d rather read an entire Pynchon novel than have to hear you make silly British jokes about your upset tummy and nervous dancing or whatever the fuck you were trying to communicate.
• Kirk Douglas — act your age and die. Just kidding. However, who’s idea was it to resurrect him for this?
• Speaking of Kirk Douglas — canes are definitely in this year. 
• Florence sans the Machine — really? They had you come on the show to hum an A.R. Rahman song? 
• Harvey Weinstein — your bitch is so hot. Jesus. You lost the Miramax name, but you won the game of life. Mazel Tov. “Now get me a diet coke or I’ll skull-fuck your dead mother!”
• That whole stupid Auto-tune skit was HORRIBLE. What the fuck are you guys thinking!? Hello, eleven year olds don’t watch the Oscars. They watch iCarly. 
• David Fincher was robbed. It’s okay though, since he made FIGHT CLUB, SEVEN, and THE SOCIAL NETWORK. Everyone can S his D. He made the movie defining of a generation. Tom Hooper made the movie defining the 1920’s. Does anyone remember Howard’s End? Or Gosford Park? NO!
• Aaron Sorkin — man, I wish you still smoked crack. You’re a JEAN YUS.
• Randy Newman uses his 20 Oscars for everything: unclogging the toilet, grabbing things off high shelves, removing a hot log from the fireplace, etc. He even used it on his wife once (the Toy Story 1 oscar).
• Chris Nolan — cheer up, big guy. You are every stoner’s hero. 

Overall — boring as fuck. Can’t believe I put on a suit for this circus.