The Day I Got Into College
The following is a true story. This ACTUALLY happened. I could not invent this. It is the actual account of how I found out I was accepted to el colegio.
I applied Early Decision (which is a way of saying, I choo choo choose you to a school) to Boston Jewniversity. In fact, I think I was the second or third kid in my class to know where he was going to college, therefore kicking senioritis into full gear. Here’s where it gets interesting. In October of my senior year, BU sent some Q&A bitch to my high school to field questions/concerns from the students in an attempt to encourage us to go there in the fall. However, this woman was dumb as a bag of rocks — this was the school my parents went to; I could have run the Q&A myself. She proceeded to give everyone misinformation, discourage students from applying by mentioning the whole “CGS - College of General Idiots”, etc. By the time she was done, I was fuming. She made me look like a tool for wanting to go there in the first place.
Anyway, having parents that went to the university, I took my brass balls to the internet, and wrote the Head of Admissions an email stressing the aforementioned, and how disappointed I was that my future school was being misrepresented to my entire class. Pretty ballsy, eh? I was still waiting for my acceptance and I did this anyway. Fuck it, I already got into my backup schools! CU Boulder let’s do this!
To make a long story short, my college counselors almost had coronaries when they learned of this move, but I didn’t sweat it, and went on getting head from my girlfriend in the senior parking lot during FREE periods.
A few months later, right around this time of year I came home from school on a Thursday afternoon, had a snack and took to my bathroom. I kept a few HUSTLERS hidden under my sink just in case I got the teenage urge to tug it following a nice stinky shit. I am a man after all.
So I’m sitting there, literally jerking off to HUSTLER magazine when my the phone RINGS from the kitchen. I figured it was someone for my mom or dad. Perhaps one of my brother’s friends. Nope.
“…der is a voman from a Boxston Jewniversitay on el telefono para tu!!” hollered Linda, my lovable houskeeper at the time. Dick in hand, I probably looked like a spooked horse.
FUCK!
I let my boner simmer, threw the porn under the bathroom sink, zipped up my fly and ran to the phone.
“Hello?” I intoned, a bit nervous, a bit aroused, the blood draining from my dong.
“This is Elaine from Admissions at Boston University. On behalf of the Dean’s office, we first wanted to apologize for giving your high school class misinformation regarding the university, but more importantly, we wanted to call you personally and let you know you have been accepted into the class of 2007 in the School of Communications.”
I started seeing stars at this point. I could’ve screamed. I was so happy and aroused and anxious and relieved all at once. It was a fucking rush to say the least. I thanked Elaine over and over and let her know how excited I was about joining the university next September. She told me how cool it was that I spoke up about the misinformed recruiter. I hung up the phone and high-fived my housekeeper.
Then I returned to the bathroom, unzipped my pants, and finished jerking off. NO JOKE. This really happened. Then I came, cleaned up, and drove 95 mph to where my mother was working on a house to tell her the news. I smelled like pride and masturbatory sweat.
My parents are proud of me, and I am proud that I not only speak up when necessary, but that I leave no business unattended (jerking off) while keeping my eye on the prize (gaining success and acceptance in the world).
THE END.
