Weekend Update - Thanksgiving Edish

Big Weekend for the holidays.  In case you missed it, here’s what’s going on in the stupid bubble of idiots that is Los Angeles, most specifically with regards to my ex girlfriends:

1. Wisconsin Schtup is clearly still on drugs (and cupcakes).
2. Rumpsringa (the band) sound the same as they did 3 years ago (maybe get a bassist, guys). I rock your first record hard, but up your game on this next one!
3. Michelle Kluft looked fabulous at Barney’s New York (we never dated be she deserves mad props)
4. Wiscon schtup’s bff’s face still turns red when she drinks (like a fish) - funny, with all the money in the world you can’t buy class.
5. Everyone living in New York should stop talking about how cool their lives are in New York. Go home. I’m glad you work at a jean store 2 days a week to keep yourself busy.
6. Zschtup still texts the duschebag she dated, although no longer officially dating said duschebag. Furthermore, someone hire her; homegirl hasn’t worked since the New Deal.
7. Mischa Barton is still fat and ugly; I don’t care that she was at your party on Thanksgiving. That’s like saying Andy Milonokis was at your pie-eating contest. Tell me something I don’t klnow, motherfucker.
8. Double Roommate Schtup brought us cookies this weekend — hand delivered by her mother. (Tell your daughter thanks for the beej and the cookies…to be honest the cookies were better than the head).
9. Old Friend, you are still tall and awkward as ever. Way to play off that we haven’t spoken in 3 years whilst standing in my backyard. You should ask your boss to put you in one of his films. You’re a great actor.
10. You can say I am being “way harsh, Thai” but I simply speak the truth with a hint of wit.