I read 420 pages exactly of New Moon yesterday... -

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I read 420 pages exactly of New Moon yesterday from Norfolk VA, through Chicago, and on to Los Angeles, CA. Here are my thoughts on the Twilight Saga, NEW MOON specifically: 1) Dude, how come Bella doesn’t have a motherfucking cell phone? She could stay in touch with stupid Edward via Skype, Facebook and BBM.  I know she lives in the sticks, aka Forks, but let’s be serious, it’s not another planet. 2) Jacob (the Injun) is way doper than Edward. First off, he doesn’t fucking twinkle. His skin glows just because it’s olive-Injun colored. Second of all, you could totes magotes watch TRUE BLOOD with Jacob and he wouldn’t be all offended that his people were being made fun of (however, you probably couldn’t watch EARNEST GOES TO CAMP or LAST OF THE MOHICANS…too soon, too soon). 3) Jacob rides Motorcylces. Edward drives a Volvo.  Jacob +2, Edward -faggot. 4) Why does Stephenie Meyers like Muse so much? They’re fucking God awful.  Maybe if she had some doper records the Twilight novels wouldn’t read like a dish rag (although a dish rag that bends the space-time continuum when you read it). 5) La Push sounds like the unreleased Salt N Pepa B Sides album. 6) Bella’s dad needs some pussy. Real bad. Homeboy gets more excited over the Red Sox than Terry Francona. 7) How come Bella doesn’t ever talk about drinking, or smoking pot? There’s nothing to do in Forks but fuck and do drugs, and the kids are so boring and average it’s all she can do but to hang out with the blood sucker and the Indian kid who would be, in any other book, fictitious or factual, made fun of for being all “let’s live off the land and wear lambskin condoms.” 8) How come Bella doesn’t ever talk about masturbating?  Ever.  If she is so motherfucking obsessed with Edward, she would be fucking herself silly with the shower head/faucet. 9) Does Jacob turn into a wolf when he fucks? I know he shape-shifts when he gets angry/excited. Would not want to see this kid when Netflix sent him the wrong DVDs… 10) You want me to believe for one second that Edward doesn’t watch Dancing With The Stars and American Idol? Even vampires fag out on occasion. I will give you more on this topic whence I finish reading. For now, enjoy these.

I read 420 pages exactly of New Moon yesterday from Norfolk VA, through Chicago, and on to Los Angeles, CA.

Here are my thoughts on the Twilight Saga, NEW MOON specifically:

1) Dude, how come Bella doesn’t have a motherfucking cell phone? She could stay in touch with stupid Edward via Skype, Facebook and BBM.  I know she lives in the sticks, aka Forks, but let’s be serious, it’s not another planet.

2) Jacob (the Injun) is way doper than Edward. First off, he doesn’t fucking twinkle. His skin glows just because it’s olive-Injun colored. Second of all, you could totes magotes watch TRUE BLOOD with Jacob and he wouldn’t be all offended that his people were being made fun of (however, you probably couldn’t watch EARNEST GOES TO CAMP or LAST OF THE MOHICANS…too soon, too soon).

3) Jacob rides Motorcylces. Edward drives a Volvo.  Jacob +2, Edward -faggot.

4) Why does Stephenie Meyers like Muse so much? They’re fucking God awful.  Maybe if she had some doper records the Twilight novels wouldn’t read like a dish rag (although a dish rag that bends the space-time continuum when you read it).

5) La Push sounds like the unreleased Salt N Pepa B Sides album.

6) Bella’s dad needs some pussy. Real bad. Homeboy gets more excited over the Red Sox than Terry Francona.

7) How come Bella doesn’t ever talk about drinking, or smoking pot? There’s nothing to do in Forks but fuck and do drugs, and the kids are so boring and average it’s all she can do but to hang out with the blood sucker and the Indian kid who would be, in any other book, fictitious or factual, made fun of for being all “let’s live off the land and wear lambskin condoms.”

8) How come Bella doesn’t ever talk about masturbating?  Ever.  If she is so motherfucking obsessed with Edward, she would be fucking herself silly with the shower head/faucet.

9) Does Jacob turn into a wolf when he fucks? I know he shape-shifts when he gets angry/excited. Would not want to see this kid when Netflix sent him the wrong DVDs…

10) You want me to believe for one second that Edward doesn’t watch Dancing With The Stars and American Idol? Even vampires fag out on occasion.

I will give you more on this topic whence I finish reading. For now, enjoy these.


October 28
twilight new moon vampires wolves
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