Apparently, I’m HUGE in FRANCE

I added a sitemeter to the JewSqueeze last week — which is basically a narcissistic tool that tells me how many of you actually give a shit — shockingly, quite a few.

Here’s where I am crushing it:

1) In France, I’m as big as baguettes, cigarettes, and fucking model chicks without rubbers. Gangsta! I guess I made quite a splash in Cannes! Soy Americano, Americano [insert dorky Matt Damon face from TALENTED MR. RIPLEY here].

2) Virginia - CLIPSE is from there, where ain’t shit to do but cook, Pack it up, sell it triple-price, fuck the books. That makes sense. I love CLIPSE. My aunt lives there (I pray it’s not her). I want to be Pusha T for Halloween. 

3) Canada - Uhh, was there once on a Teen Tour. My friend had his ass cheeks spread apart by border patrol once, too. I’ve never schtupped a Canadian.

4) Chula Vista, CA - Apprently, the home of nothing happenin’ is where I’m makin’ something happenin’. 

5) I have a few readers in Tennessee.  I wonder if they’re colored…  {GET IT. CUZ WE ONCE HAD A CIVIL WAR IN THE SOUTH}. I’m about as racist as a Mulatto kid at a Cultural Awareness meeting before heading off to Junior State of America meeting whilst eating spanakopita and simultaneously reading Camus. Don’t even try. I only say the N-word when I’m singing along with my favorite RAPPER GUYS/GANGSTAS. And in the shower to hype myself up before work. 

6) Also, funny enough, I’ve gotten some comments like, “yo fatso! you ain’t fuckin’ chicks!” or like “you egomaniacal bitch.” Whatever, say what you want — no joke, I had sex outside by a pool on Sunday. With a girl.  It was so radical. Then I watched the Season Finale of TRUE BLOOD and an hour of MAD MEN. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO WITH YOUR SUNDAY, TRAIL MIX?

Yeah, I said it. I called you Trail Mix. Cuz you nutty and ain’t as sweet as you wished you were, ya raisin’ mixed cunts.