NEW York City

As you may have noticed, I have not been blogging on the regs these past few days.  I was on a little family adventure to NYC for a wedding.  A very hip, young, downtown wedding at this fancy schmancy restaurant called PUBLIC.  It was divine.  Here are a few things I pondered during my stay in NYC:

1) Man, everyone dresses like they are going to a fucking VOGUE party (especially the women).  The men dress as if they are stand-ins for Russel Brandt (whom by the way, peed next to me at the Jane Hotel one night…double-true).

2) The cab drivers are still as fucking stupid as they seemed when I was 5 years old.

3) Cigarettes are way too expensive (duhr).  I’d rather eat glass than buy a pack for $10.00.  Cha right!  I’d rather buy an eighth of weed for $60 that isn’t even an eighth (cuz the NY dealers give you like 3 G’s of whatever BS they’re naming Bubble Gum tit-fuck that particular week).

4) The girls in NYC are way hotter than the girls in LA.  They just are.  They hold their heads up high, strut more easily in heels, and they don’t give a fuck what celebrity is inside the same establishment as them.  (For the record, twas that old/young bag-lady Mary Kate Tanner or whatever).

5) The dudes in NYC all think they are revolutionaries.  Some dress more like it than others, but most of them are just faking the funk with V neck shirts that go way past their Israeli chest-hair, and their combat boots that have never seen a battle-field. They also wear too many fedoras.  Everyone was either in the Kings of Leon or the Brian Setzer Orchestra. 

6) The food was killer.  Public…epic restaurant.  Get a clue.  PASTIS is over (unless you are a Maloof brother or Julianne Moore).  

7) The Jews are taking over Long-Island like the aliens took over the planet in ID4.  I fear for future generations of Jews because if this is what they have to look forward to (tables at Tenjune and trips to the MAC counter), we should all convert to buddhism.  

8) My ex girlfriends are still as lame and wacko as ever (especially the one I never officially dated…you were about 3 years too late, babe…but sure I’ll fuckst with you via text). 

9) Frangry thinks I’m a stalker because I e-mailed her and Pancake to hang out.  I know, I bet it’s super-weird getting emails like, hey I KNOW YOU FROM TUMBLR LETS HANG AND BANG. 

10) As insane as Jew York City is, I want to move there as soon as I’m rich.  I like that every night is a party, every 20 minutes is some decision to make regarding what you will be doing 20 minutes later, and I love that all the girls act/dress/talk/fuck like women.  

Yeah, I said it, LA, you have lost your swagger.  Now step off and get knocked up like your mother used to.