An Open Letter to MTV Networks

For the longest time, I lived and breathed MTV.  The theme of my Bar-Mitzvah was MTV—instead of having a candle-lighting service we gave out Moon-Men—I was obsessed.  I had an MTV lunchbox in grade school, and when the day was done I’d run home to catch Total Request Live.  I’d watch the Top 20 countdown with a pad and pen so as not to miss anything on weekends.  Back then the fat and colorful MTV logo stood for cutting-edge music and alternative programming not meant for the faint of heart.  Even their non-musical programming was off the wall. Keyword being was.  Whatever happened to Beavis & Butthead?  They ditched MTV for the silver screen just in the knick of time.  Maybe they weren’t so stupid and mindless after all. You know, sometimes I turn on The Hills and think that those two fart-knocking cartoons had more going on in their fictional brains than Lauren Conrad or Spencer Pratt could ever dream of.  Even that maladroit Carson Daly seemed to have found a better gig.

MTV, you used to be the barometer of hip—but now—now, you are nothing but irrelevant.  Need I remind you how many minds you blew in the eighties with The Buggles “Video Killed The Radio Star” or “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits? Millions.  Trillions, even.  I wasn’t even alive then and I know the impact it had on the youth of America.  You think anyone in your coveted marketing demographic is sitting by the television waiting for cues on what is hip and happening in today’s world?  Think again.  YouTube and MySpace Music have replaced you.  May I suggest renaming the network if you guys don’t plan to air programming having the slightest bit to do with music for the next twenty years?  The only thing remotely related to anything musical are The MTV Video Music Awards, which is nothing but an excuse for hip-hop acts to promote their latest album; the same goes for the MTV Movie awards and Hollywood actors.  You had your finger on the pulse, where did it go?

You’re brainwashing an entire country of little girls into thinking that Heidi Montag and her click of friends are role models for their generation.  Even they know that the characters on your show are such embarrassments in Los Angeles that it’s no wonder you got Brent Bolthouse and SBE to sponsor The Hills—so you had somewhere to shoot your shitty show when nobody else would have your lame “celebrities” hawking the real Los Angeles elite for acting gigs.

You want to know why every other country/race/ethnicity hates America—I urge you turn on your network when My Super Sweet 16 is scheduled—the answer will be right there in front of you.  You allowed shows like Twentyfour Seven and 8th and Ocean to be greenlit; you’ve allowed Andy Dick to host one too many a show; and now, your biggest fan is turning against you.  And I guarantee that I’m not the only one. 
I’m writing this because I lost my shit tonight when I turned on the television, plain and simple.  I flipped to MTV like I always do, as if classically conditioned, and saw your latest excuse for reality television: Life of Ryan.  You mean to tell me that the whole premise of this show is about how broken up millionaire skateboard prodigy Ryan Schekler is about his parents’ divorce?  Like he even gives a flying kickflip…he’s too busy in Japan and Spain making dollar, dollar bills, ya’all to even notice his parents are separated.  And your produced segments are borderline embarrassing.  Even my thirteen-year-old cousins from Long Island who don’t see the cast of The Hills out and about filming, who watch your shows religiously, call your bluff on the opening segment: Scheckler turns to the camera and says, “Dude, like, I’m so bummed my parents are getting a divorce, like at the same exact time, as like, your parents.”  Cue the violins for Ryan Scheckler and the cheeky five thousand dollar graphic intro.  But for Rob & Big, you’re completely blowing it.  You’re the same network that claimed to have discovered America when you threw Johnny Knoxville and his Big Brother magazine crew together with Bam Margera and his video-camera wielding CKY gang to create Jackass.  You didn’t bother to let the public know that you could find all the segments (including the one where Knoxville shoots himself in the chest with a gun) you recycled on the aforementioned skateboard videos.  Boy, did you have us fooled.  But not for long…

I challenge you, MTV.  Take a stand.  Put the Music back in Music Television.  Put the real back in reality.  Bring the videos back in rotation.  And for Christ’s sake, bring back MTV Unplugged.  If not for Christ, do it for the kids.  You’re their biggest influence.  I only knew to buy Nirvana’s Nevermind when I was in the second grade because I watched “Smells Like Teen Spirit” premiere one fateful evening on Headbangers Ball.  How many kids can say that now?  And if they did, they’d say that it was you who helped them decide to buy the latest Fall Out Boy release.  Job well done.
I’m off to watch VH1 (which is something I used to swear I’d never do, especially when Jenny McCarthy was hosting Singled Out). But VH1 doesn’t pretend to be something they’re not: they house their programming under the  “Celebreality” banner because that’s exactly what their cable channel is all about these days.  They don’t bill themselves as music-related in the least.  And I know Viacom owns you both.  So I guess I’m complaining to you, Sumner Redstone.  You have enough money to do anything.  Help!  The next generation of music fans needs you desperately.