Jay-Z and Beyonce with Baby Blue Ivy Carter
#YOUCRAZYRICK
#SHEBOI
#SHEBOIGEN?
#LOVEONTOP
#BEYONCEDONTDODOGGYDOESSHE?
#HASHTAG
#HASHBROWNS
(via suicideblonde)
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Ask me shit!
About the author(s): MjH grew up in the suburbs of Encino, CA, born into a family of hilarious Jews. His mother, a witty New Yorker with a sharp tongue, set the bar pretty high in terms of what he looks for in a wife/Jewess.
Forever wearing glasses and on the hunt for Jewish cunt, our man wants you to know that he once schtupped a dame at DIVE! in Century City.
Copyright 2009-2011 BlackBerry Jew Squeeze
Garbage - #1 Crush
*I am the man I am today because of the way this movie made me feel. This soundtrack, Leo’s looks, Claire Dane’s eyes. All of it.
I would die 4 u, born to di3, Lana Del Rey HEY HO LET’S GO!
Ashley Smith
I have never loved anyone, or anything as much as I do this one person. No girl, no object, no drug, no high, nothing compares to this guy.
(Jonno, you’re blood, you don’t count. I mean you count, obviously, and you’re always #1, but Jakeson is a very close #2).
“I’ve been married for five years. To the same woman. I’ve wanted to divorce her at times. She’s wanted to divorce me at times. But one great thing about marriage, when it’s entered by regular folks, in good faith, is that it’s hard to exit. It costs money. You have to talk to lawyers during business hours except whoops—you have a job that you need to earn money to buy food and pants—so when are you going to both take the time to do that? By the time you’d have gotten around to it, you’ve forgiven each other and maybe even reached a new appreciation for each other as you worked through whatever seemingly insurmountable problem made you hate each other for 20 minutes while you sat in your shitty car outside a CVS yelling at each other and crying. Because guess what, Kim? That’s a huge ingredient in a SUCCESSFUL marriage. Sometimes it sucks. And I don’t mean lower-case “s” sucks. I mean it SUCKS so fucking hard you’re POSITIVE you’ll give yourself stomach cancer or an embolism as you try to make your spouse explode through telekinesis. When you relax, however, and remember that you’re a bigger asshole than they are, with enough neuroses and calcified bad habits to warrant their own card catalog, you realize that they’re struggling through life’s shit storm just like you. Then you take a shower together and fuck while laughing.”
Rob Delaney on Kim K. Oldie but a goodie.
Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It’s like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it’s like, it’s like you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her… because you lived with it for so long.
*duh, this dialogue is not in the scene pictured above. You try finding a good picture of Rob and Favs and I’ll change it.
Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop Directed by Rodman Flender
After the most fun sushi dinner of my life at Sushi Ike, where Jason and I closed the place down at 11PM, I got in my bed and snuggled up with one of my favorite heros, Conan O’Brien.
As I’m sure you know, Conan went on a 44 date comedy/performance tour after being “fired” by NBC and leaving The Tonight Show. I briefly wanted to touch on how much this man’s life outlook and work ethic means to me. He doesn’t give up. He doesn’t sulk, angry as may be, mistreated as he was. Conan cannot be stopped. He will find a way to perform, to entertain, to make you laugh. This is where I identify with the man. He has so much creativity that it’s all he can do but to perform for you, on television, in person, via his Twitter, etc. He loves to entertain!
While I’m not comparing myself to Conan O’Brien by any means, I know what this feels like. I love to stand in front of people, even a tiny audience of one (Jonno, Ramona, etc) and watch that moment as you giggle in delight at something I’ve just said or done, as if I’m the last funny man on planet Earth. There’s really nothing like laughter. And I know for a fact that laughter the key to a woman’s heart. Trust me, I’ve dated girls WAY out of my league because of my wit. *That and being amazing at giving head. Both of which, I’ve honed skills at, either at Groundlings, or on YouJizz.
If you have some free time, you should sit down to watch the Conan doc. It’s a lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and a lot of heart. It’s Conan at his core. You see him curse, get upset, deal with disappointment and moments of triumph. He’s a sweetheart.
Also, I’d like to point out the unsung hero of this film: Sona — Conan’s wonderful assistant. She seems like the nicest person on the planet, and I’m kind of in love with her. Between Jeff Ross, Conan’s producer (whom I’ve had the pleasure of meeting in his office when I nearly worked on the TBS incarnation), Gavin Polone (Conan’s manager), Sona and CoCo — there’s a lot to love about this little doc.
Whenever you get upset, or down-trodden about life, always remember the man that had it all, his dream, The Tonight Show, and had it stripped away from him before ultimately deciding to walk away from it all:
“To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I’ll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”
Enjoy! Team CoCo for life.
What Happens When You Fall In Love With A Writer
*I did not write this, but it felt great to read aloud:
Lots of things might happen. That’s the thing about writers. They’re unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you’ve never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash your pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. It’s an unpredictable life. But what happens if a writer falls in love with you? This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you’ve never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you’ve never known. And yet they’re you. They’re not you; they’re someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never seen To Kill A Mockingbird. These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you’re wandering through the pages of some story you’ve never even read. There’s no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind. If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die. What happens if you fall in love with a writer?
You’re welcome, nostalgia part of your brains.
